I’m a 25F who became very antisocial in high school. Now that I’m older, the way I lived my life is haunting me. I enjoy being alone, in silence, doing stuff on my own, and just watching life, I guess? I feel like a side actor who was paid to be part of the crowd. I do have a personality and a few friends not many though but I’m happy with what I have. The issue is that I started a hobby that I love very much, but it involves being in groups of 40–100 people. I’ve started to feel insecure? Bad about myself? I don’t even know how to explain this feeling. It feels like people are always judging me, don’t like me, or even hate me like I’m a weirdo who doesn’t belong anywhere. It makes everything so hard: keeping a conversation if anyone talks to me, or overthinking the way I replied and then feeling like I’m a total cringe weirdo. It’s so mentally exhausting I just want to feel normal. I’m scared to say where I’m from so people don’t judge me and so much more. Am I really a weirdo? How do I even keep conversations normally? I don’t know if it’s this bad. How do I stop overthinking and not care about what people think of me? How do I stop feeling hated and like an alien in a group of people? It’s so hard.
14 comments
First, you’re not a weirdo. I’m also someone who doesn’t like to socialize, but I’ve started getting better at it.
Chances are that no one’s really thinking that hard about you. So long as you be nice and friendly no one is going to think you’re weird.
It is ok to be anxious, but those thoughts are not reality. And even if people think you’re weird, so what? It’s not so important what other people think, it’s important what YOU think of yourself. Start by working on improving your own self image.
It is late and I have my train thought multiple times.
Buuuuuuuuuut
I hope this still helps.
This is definitely you feeling insecure and uncomfortable. You need to build up your confidence.
Three things that helped me are:
• Remember, everyone has their own insecurities. We’re all human, we all have one thing that we feel “isn’t good enough.” I’m sure there are people in the group who feel the same way you do. For example, I am a very skinny person who doesn’t have any muscle on them. But I don’t let this control me. I realized that if I only focus on my insecurities, I won’t be able to fully enjoy myself.
• Not to sound nihilistic, but a lot of people simply don’t care. There’s a reason “We are own harshest critics.” is said so often. A lot of the time this major issue to you, is a minor/nonexistent issue to others. For example, I think I’ve heard around two comments about my lack of muscle. I highly doubt that your hobby group has people actively insulting or tearing others down. A lot of hobbyists love to help, especially if it has a high floor.
• Start/Join a friend group. Find some people you like and are positive. Hang out with them and try to do activities. These will be *your* people, you will compliment each other and build up everyone’s confidence. Confidence is extremely important and the key to almost everything.
Ok, this is terrible advice but a lot of your issues can be solved by simply not caring. This is obviously really, really hard. You can start by looking into yourself and figure out *why* you feel this way.
From there you can start slowly building up confidence. For example, I started wearing sleeved shirts to cover up arms. By doing this you can go outside more and practice socializing. This will help you feel comfortable until your insecurities become smaller and smaller.
Get out more, talk more, have fun, *live*.
You got this!!
You are not alone for sure! Therapy can help you to learn how to increase your self esteem. Start by always putting yourself first. Take care of yourself and exercise. Do things that make you happy. When you’re around more ppl than you can handle just remind yourself that no one really cares what you’re doing or saying or wearing. Remind yourself that at least 50% of those ppl are feeling exactly the same way! Learn breathing exercises for anxiety, they actually work! The more you do it the easier it gets. You should start now because you will miss out on lots if you let other humans keep you from it. Again, millions of people suffer with same feelings. U can overcome it, I promise.
It sounds to me like anxiety is taking over your brain when you are in large groups. Have you considered talking with a therapist about your social anxiety?
The hobby that you love is what is connecting you to the groups of 40 to 100 people, so you are starting with something in common. I hope that this relaxes you a bit. No one is as concerned about you as they are concerned about enjoying the hobby.
Have fun- we only have one conscious mind. Make it happy!
Hey op sent you a dm!
Sounds like being w that many people is something you don’t have much experience with. Just know that anything you do at first will give you some anxiety. You’re just learning a new skill. Keep getting out there and practicing, and over time you will be really good at it and won’t be anxious anymore. I’m so proud of you for continuing to do your hobby as well as seek counsel from others here on Reddit. You’re doing great.
Even the treatment for phobias is “exposure therapy.” That’s exposing the person to incrementally more and more of whatever the trigger is and learning to be calm at each stage. Thats exactly what you are doing.
And egocentrism is extremely common in adolescents and young adults. So don’t worry—if everyone’s energy is going into worrying about themselves, they aren’t thinking about you! Yay!
You seem like you are definitely in a very difficult situation!! You definitely will be able to make some changes for yourself!! It needs to happen in a few steps however. Perhaps start with just simply liking yourself, as that’s truly a prerequisite to loving yourself. Take some time to write down what you think the factors are, that directly contribute to you being, asocial/anti-social.It may very well be a combination of a low self-confidence level, social anxiety and having trust challenges in life.Be a 1000% honest with yourself however! Nobody is even remotely near perfect, not even close, as we all have challenges and strengths as well Set yourself a few goals, perhaps 2-3 short-term, 1-2 mid-term and 2-3 long-term goals.Help yourself decide what will help you to have , purpose, meaning and a direction in your life, based on your goals.Take some time to write a list of strengths/qualities you have and sone of the challenges you have in life. I feel it would also be far less burdensome and anxiety-provoking to pick an activity you enjoy, whereby there are only a few people in this group. I would also very strongly encourage you to engage in some individual therapy, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Mindfulness Therapy to jump start you! This can be and sound overwhelming, so just do 1-2 parts at a time, but ensure that you prioritize them, then move on to a couple of your other goals! Think positive, take some small risks, be very patient, gradual, thoughtful and very focused.This will take a few months, but that’s OK, that’s great, as it’s a bit of a marathon, cross-country run, not a 100 metre dash!! Use some positive quotes and develop a mantra or two!! You’ve got this, you really do!! Use a couple people you trust as a small support system.Ensure you evaluate your progress and continued areas to work on, on a monthly basis,but please do not judge yourself!! You will be just fine, stay dedicated and brave and ensure to keep on riding the wave!! Keep posting your progress, as I am very interested as to how you are doing and I will be cheering you on as you conquer this I’ll be on the sidelines!! Lol!!
Well, look at you being honest and opening up. Amazing how many people have come here to be with you and give you advice, as we can see ourselves in you. You’re not alone and you’re not the only person that feels the way you do.
You shine!
Great advice, here.
Nooo I feel this! I just pursued something similar over the summer and at first I felt like an outcast, but I changed my perspective on some stuff to make the experience more enjoyable.
Ok so, first, I had to show myself compassion and then have grace for the way I am… “X happened in the past and that made me feel Y. So now I feel kinda Z sometimes, but that’s A OK.” This is my shorthand way of showing myself that I’m not going to judge me (telling myself I’m good or bad) and I’m safe with myself (acceptance of self).
Then I had to realize, literally everyone has an accent. So basically, what’s strange to us is normal to somebody. If you think about it, that kinda makes being weird a point of connection. Everyone is a unique compilation of experiences, thoughts, beliefs, etc., just like me, so I can focus in finding the overlap of our weirdnesses. Besides, even the smallest, silliest things can help you feel belonging. I once made a friend because me and the other person were the slowest walkers that day. The more you confirm the belief that you are similar to others, the easier it is to believe and interact with others. (this is also why you don’t want to be judging your self internally)
Thirdly, I had to allow myself to care about what others think (just a lil bit) without judgement and just try to work with it in a more healthy way. Essentially taking the ‘negative’ perspective, reframing it and then acting on / reacting to those things instead.
Negative: people are always judging me, don’t like me, or even hate me like I’m a weirdo who doesn’t belong
Reframe: I care about being accepted by people that matter to me.
Action/Reaction: I’d try to be more understanding towards myself and others. I’d also try to limit my interactions with people who seem judgmental. I’d reassess my insecurities to see if they actually bother me or someone else said they should bother me. I’d explore who matters to me, who they are, what they’re like and why they matter. I’d also define boundaries around their influence. I am always priority one. My acceptance of me is the most important.
Anyways, I heavily relate to this post. It’s messed up how we can be conditioned into ostracizing ourselves. I know it’s at least 40-100 people that are similar to you in someway. I hope you can start seeing yourself through kinder eyes by getting acquainted with them.
> How do I stop feeling hated and like an alien in a group of people?
Like this. This searching is the journey to that answer. You’re already doing it. It is not easy. It does involve a lot of overthinking. And all that is very normal.
You’re not weird, many people feel this way. Start with small interactions, focus on listening, and practice self-compassion daily.
May I ask, what kind of hobby involves that many people?
> It feels like people are always judging me, don’t like me, or even hate me like I’m a weirdo who doesn’t belong anywhere. It makes everything so hard: keeping a conversation if anyone talks to me, or overthinking the way I replied and then feeling like I’m a total cringe weirdo. It’s so mentally exhausting I just want to feel normal.
I have such predilection as well, and I am slowly learning to deal with that. Therapy have identified that I had an avoidant personality disorder that stemmed from childhood trauma; it also helped me a lot with managing it and now I am working towards a cure and have a lot of improvements in my life and how I feel. I can’t claim if you have this disorder or any other, but dealing with feelings like this is very difficult on your own. Search for a good therapist would be my advice. Mentally, just focus that you have psychological issues that can be addressed.
> Am I really a weirdo?
You’re not. You might act like one. I certainly did act like one, because I so desperately tried to blend in, but there’d be this debilitating fear and feeling of being ‘less then’ inside of me when communicating to others, and in communication we always do show what’s inside, no matter how much we are trying to act in some forced way.