Hi everyone, I could use some perspective.
My wife (36F) and I (36M) have been together for 16 years. We first met in a dingy college basement, and now we’re married with two boys (6 and 2). We’ve weathered a lot together: not long after our engagement, her mom’s affair came to light, which led to her parents’ divorce and has always cast a shadow over us. A few months after our wedding, I was diagnosed with MS, leaving me with nerve damage and partial vision loss. On top of that, we’ve faced the usual ups and downs of marriage and parenting. Despite it all, we’ve built a strong life together.
For context: I used to take medication for the nerve pain, but the side effects turned me into a zombie. Weed (legal both medically and recreationally in my state) has been the only thing that helps without changing who I am. The issue is, my wife hates that I smoke. We compromised and the rule in our home is “only at night and never in the house.” I’ve respected that until this past weekend.
We just got back from Disney with her parents. Her dad covered the trip (which I’m grateful for) but spent most of the time talking down to me. He’s ex-DEA, rigid, convinced he’s always right, and honestly exhausting. He’s good to my kids, but being around him for too long wears me out. My wife ended up stuck in the middle, her mom venting about her dad, me venting about her dad, and her dad venting about his ex-wife and me. Add in the summer heat, travel stress, and two little kids, and by the end of the week we were all completely drained.
When we got home and the kids were finally in bed, after a week of not smoking, I stepped outside, took one hit from my vape pen, and came back in only to fall asleep with it still in my pocket. The next morning, while taking the dog out before church, I reached in my pocket, found the vape, and absentmindedly took a hit. My wife happened to walk by the window at that exact moment. She didn’t actually see me inhale, but my reaction gave me away. I’m a terrible liar, so I immediately admitted it, though I admit I blurted out excuses I now regret. Once I calmed down, I owned up to it and admitted I was completely wrong.
Breaking this rule has hit her hard. She’s been crying on and off since, won’t talk to me, and it feels like she’s ready to walk out. Coincidentally, she smoked all the time when we were in our 20s but she’s since changed her stance after we had the kids. I’ve admitted it was a mistake and haven’t made anymore excuses, but I don’t know how to move forward. Quitting weed and going back on the old meds isn’t an option as they made me a shell of myself, but right now it feels like that’s the only way to make her happy.
We’ve been seeing a couples counselor for about a year and our next appointment is scheduled for Thursday, but I’m terrified she’s considering divorce over this.
How would you handle this situation and rebuild trust?
TL;DR: Wife (36F) and I (36M) have been together 16 years, two kids. I have MS and weed is the only thing that helps my nerve pain without awful side effects, but our rule has always been “only at night and never in the house.” After a stressful Disney trip with her parents, I slipped and took a hit in the morning. She caught me, feels deeply betrayed, and hasn’t stopped crying. We have counseling Thursday, but I’m scared she’s considering divorce. How do I rebuild trust?