I am 42M and my wife is 38F. We have been together for 3 years, married for one. We have a D/s dynamic, which is relevant to the question as I'll explain below. We are both high libido and have sex (either PIV or oral) 7-12+ times per week. Sometimes we'll skip a day or two like when her period is most heavy and she's cramping and uncomfortable but we make up for it on other days.
So the question/problem is actually 2 parts and I'm wondering if they're related or separate issues. The first is that I've noticed, steadily, slowly over the time we've been together, but especially in the last few months, that the amount of pressure and stimulation needed to get her off is increasing. She really only gets off via oral stimulation, and while she's always been a "hard and fast" type, things have gotten a lot harder and faster over the past couple of months. The amount of pressure against my mouth and lips can be a bit intense and sometimes painful. Honestly, it's not much of a problem for me, even if (as occasionally happens) my lip can get a little split if I am not careful to keep it off my teeth. I love it… in fact, nothing turns me on more than when she fucks my face hard and gets off, sometimes more than once. I'm worried, however, that eventually NO amount of pressure will do the trick, and then what?
The second part of the problem is that there have also been a steadily increasing occurrences of clitoral sensitivity over the last couple of months. If I go to lick her clit and she isn't already physically aroused, it elicits a sharp, squeamish, can't-tolerate-it sort of response. She compares it to how it feels after she cums (for the last time or after 1 with no multiples) and I touch or lick her clit a bit and it is too sensitive to touch. When she's turned on, this is much less of a problem and I have taken this mostly as a sign to do more to turn her on, and incorporate more foreplay, but here is where the D/s (she is D, I am s) dynamic I mentioned at the beginning becomes relevant. A huge part of our sex life is no-recip oral from me to her, and many of our sexual encounters start (and end) with me eating her out, and the ones that don't also usually involve her telling me to crawl over and lick her until she is aroused and then moving on to other things. Probably like 90% of our sexual encounters begin this way, tbh. And when the sensitivity thing occurs (probably about 40-50% of the time) it sort of shuts things down for awhile, or at least forces us to switch gears dramatically. So we're both very sad about the prospect of losing this huge piece of our sexual dynamic.
Of course I can't help but think the 2 are related. Is there a phenomenon for women where they require more and more stimulation to get off until nothing works? We have tried slowing it down, going more gently, broad and flat tongue rather than hard and focused, slow licks, licking the rest of the area first before moving to the clit, licking ass first to loosen up and get turned on, nothing seems to work that well. The ass licking first so far has been most successful, but it's no guarantee. I've heard of death grip syndrome when men masturbate too much, is this a thing for women too?
If that is indeed the case (female death grip), is that what's causing the increase in clitoral sensitivity? We've tried to figure out if anything else could be causing it: hormonal shifts seem to be a potential culprit, and she is about 1 year post-partum and 6 months post breastfeeding. She also had been taking a supplement with St John's wort in it which we read could also be to blame, she stopped a few weeks ago and we haven't noticed a discernable difference.
Have any women experienced something like this before? If it is the "death grip" (I know that's not correct but I don't know what to call it) thing, is there any way to reverse or go back to normal, other than stopping or reducing sexual activity? What things worked to help reduce the amount of stimulation needed to get off? Are there any methods to improve the clitoral sensitivity aspect of things other than what we've been doing?
Thank you for reading, and I appreciate in advance all advice and input from anyone else who's encountered this in their experience.