Hi all. I made a Reddit post a few weeks ago (in hindsight, probably prematurely) not knowing exactly what the issue was in my marriage. My post involved a very confused narrative from me (the wife) witnessing the battle a potential identity crisis my husband was experiencing as he’s made a lot of changes to his appearance and his life. Looking back on this now, i realize that the problem was that I was being unsupportive.
I feel extremely alone in this battle and I’m embarrassed for a plethora of reasons. One of those reasons being is that we are just shy of being married for a year (together for 4 years) and we’re already having this bad of issues. I’m embarrassed and shameful to admit these issues are (imo) because of me. We’ve had ongoing arguments for weeks and weeks about why we’re so hurt and I feel as if I don’t hold any reasoning for an argument because when I’m feeling hurt (e.i because he’s been cold, unaffectionate, etc.) it’s because it’s a reaction of my behaviour and wrongdoing.
It takes a lot of risk of embarrassment and shame to be typing this to a broadcast of strangers, but to summarize what I did is that I broke his trust. He was a victim of a crime and the perpetrator is someone we know and see often. I can’t explain the details but I was so distraught that I confided in his sister with the information I learned. I got out on a waitlist to see a therapist about this information, but in an act of desperation to release it off my conscious, I explained to his sister in vague details about what happened. She put two and two together and ended up telling a lot of our family and friends about what happened. This broke his trust with me as I’ve made him a promise that I wouldn’t tell anyone ever about what happened. As well as leading up to this large bump in our marriage, I have prioritized my feelings over his, I’ve victimized myself, I’ve blamed him for being cold and ignoring me in our marriage, but he was behaving that was because of me.
It’s been about 8 weeks of constant arguing. He sleeps in his truck or on the couch. We don’t speak, we don’t touch each other, we don’t even brush our teeth or eat dinner with each other. I’m embarrassed. I’m so embarrassed that I don’t even want him looking at me. I feel like I single handedly ruined our marriage and that there is no room for forgiveness. We fight constantly and it feels like he has no feelings for me anymore. We’re still on the waitlist to see a couples counsellor. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and my opinions of what to do next are slim. I don’t ever want to consider separation but I’m having feeling of being unworthy. I hate myself. I have no love for myself or anything that is associated with my identity. My baking, my cooking, my artwork, everything I’ve ever put energy into feels as though there’s no love in it anymore.