Hello there
I am 30 and have been married to my wife, 28, for three years. We dated for four years before that, so we have been together for seven years in total. During our relationship, I became a Protestant Christian, as she already was, and we decided to wait until marriage to have sex. Before meeting her, I was never the type to sleep around. I have always been more reserved, though I did have a few short relationships where my sexual experience was limited to handjobs and blowjobs.
The problem is that our sex life has been very disappointing. It feels like my wife and I lack chemistry. I often feel as if I am with someone who finds sex unpleasant, even though she does not say so. Her sex drive is low, and we struggle to enjoy intimacy together. Whenever I suggest trying new positions or exploring new things, she refuses or prefers to stick with basic missionary or standard cowgirl. I also notice that she does not seem to experience much pleasure, and I would like for her to enjoy our sexual life. As a result, I have never felt genuine pleasure myself. Over time, I have begun to lose interest in her, including sexually. She notices this and often blames me for not seeking intimacy, but I hold back because I know the sex will likely be unsatisfying for both of us. This is very different from my previous relationships, where I experienced strong sexual attraction and desire. I try to be loving and attentive.
In addition I work out, stay in shape, and take care of my physical condition. Yet, when it comes to sex, she seems blocked. She insists everything is fine, but it feels to me as if there is no openness or imagination. My therapist says no one ever feels completely satisfied, but I feel no satisfaction at all. This has begun to affect our marriage. I feel increasingly distant, my self-esteem has dropped, and I do not feel as confident as a man should. Over time, I have found myself less attracted to her, as if our relationship is more like a friendship between two people who avoid doing anything wrong rather than a passionate couple.
I dont know what else to do. I am willing to work on myself and make changes if it can help us.
Married readers, what should I do personally, or how should I talk to my wife so we can improve our sex life? I know relationships can lose some spark over time, but three or seven years seems far too soon for that.
I would appreciate any advice and especially value perspectives from women.