Changing details because I don't know who in our circle is on reddit and might see this, as this is my first post. Also it's long one.
Background
I (45F) have been with my husband (55M) for well over 20 years. At this point I don't know what I want. I have always worked odd jobs while taking care of our kids while he was chasing his dream job. Which more times than not left us not being able to make ends meet. At the same time he missed multiple important life events. Work came before me and the kids, then the kids, then his hobbies. I haven't felt like a priority to him in a long time. I have carried the bulk of the load our whole marriage. He won't dream, plan, set goals, etc.
As life progressed I felt more unseen and more unheard. For most of our time together my libido has been higher than his which also led me to feel undesired. He would make innuendos and jokes about being intimate and then forget to actually pursue the opportunities. And it tends to be very one-sided anyway. He also forgets when he tells me that we will do something together. Date nights have been sparse at best.
I accepted what life was because I deal with multiple forms of severe anxiety and he was my safe space even through what I was going through (in all fairness to him I'm not the best communicator and some of this is on me for not speaking up sooner). I thought no matter what we'd be together.
Female friends
A few years ago he started getting too friendly with a new coworker to the point where other coworkers noticed how much time they were spending together at work. We work at the same place. He started making changes that I've asked him to make, for her. He wouldn't stop texting her and lying about it. He didn't want to give up his time with her. I told him something was not right with how their "friendship" was unfolding. He insisted he did nothing wrong because it had not gotten physical. He eventually, albeit reluctantly, agreed to counseling. Which we went maybe 3 or 4 times and he stopped texting and hanging out with her. She no longer works there. He feels very guilty about that situation. But his female BFF who also works with us…
She almost seemed jealous of this other girl because she would run to me and ask if I knew what he was doing. She would tell me and him that she didn't like it. Then she started rubbing his head and beard. She will stand super close to him. All with me right there. I have told him I do not like that. She gave him a gift which I felt was personal (jewelry). They text and hang out all the time at work. She says he has to say goodbye to her everyday. I hear more about the two of them than anything else. She set the standard right off the bat that they would not be work husband and wife since they are both already married. But it feels like that is just a cop out so that it doesn't look as bad. The BFF stuff is constantly thrown in my face (in person and on social media).
Changes
He started making some changes after the first work situation. And I told him it feels like he's making changes out of guilt and because he wants female friends without me getting pissed. He says no, but he doesn't always see situations for what they're worth. Also, the changes don't last.
Since turning 40 I have been changing and becoming more outspoken, more driven, and ready to make changes. We have nothing to show for his "dream job" which he now has. No savings, no retirement, don't own a home, etc., but a whole lot of debt. I am currently working multiple jobs and starting my own business. I am always having to push him to get stuff done or most of the time I do it myself. He'd rather talk about his days before we met and his solo hobbies.
I have voiced everything to him. All the years of resentment that's built up and working on trust again. He is trying and I will always love him. But I'm changing, my life is changing I feel it's unfair to him to all of sudden be so different. I think about what it would be like to be on my own or with someone else who has similar drive and ambition and who I actually have something in common with since he and I have no common interests.
If you actually read the whole thing, thank you. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Like I said in the beginning I don't know what I want. Just needed to get it out there.