I suppose I’m interested to see the responses from both sides. This conversation has happened about 4 distinct times in our four years of marriage that I can remember, and it seems to just never be resolved. So I’m curious who should change expectations here (please be honest!)
We’re both late 20’s with one kid and another 2/3 of the way baked. He’s been a lot less needy on the emotional connection side of things since the beginning, about six years ago. I knew this, so I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. But anyways, in order to connect I really need some quality time where phones are away, we’re not just mindlessly staring at a TV, and we actually talk to one another – he says he needs this too, but in practice he’s perfectly content to scroll beside each other for hours and then call that quality time. Talking exhausts him mentally, apparently.
He is a bit of a gamer and has a few hobbies, and he waits until kiddo is in bed to indulge. Problem is, this happens from about 7pm-11pm. That leaves very little time for US, considering I’m exhausted by 10pm these days. I have a fairly high libido, BUT I desperately need some kind of connection to get in the mood. If I’ve been ignored (intentionally or unintentionally, because kids and life) all day, I reeeeally struggle. So when I say I’d like to have sex more frequently or passionately, with the caveat that I get a bit of non-sexual intimacy before/as well, he just doesn’t get it. Hence the never ending conversation.
His solution to our infrequent sex and my feeling like an afterthought was that I should just “interrupt him” when he is gaming and ask for sex. He said he’s always more than willing and has a high libido, I just need to ask. I tried this a few times but I just felt… gross. I did it hoping that I would get into the mood once we started, but it was incredibly slow going mentally for me. It felt like I was having to stand in front of him and wave, saying, “hey, remember me? I’d like it if you could turn the game/hobby off long enough for some loving.” I feel demeaned having to do that!
So I’d like some different perspectives. I’ve spoken to a friend and she said it makes sense, that men need sex first to fuel that connection. That if I’d just suck it up and put out, he’d probably start reciprocating with more emotionally fulfilling conversations, etc. Are we BOTH just really missing the mark here? He never pressures me for sex, it’s not like that, in fact I might appreciate if he was a little more aggressive in that way! I’m actually not sure how long we’d go without if I didn’t force myself to initiate sometimes.
Thoughts? We’re usually okay at conflict resolution but this one just keeps being recycled! Am I doing something horribly wrong here?