TL;DR: I'm 26 (F- woman) and my partner is 29 (M- they're figuring out their gender) and we've been together 7 months.
Every time I try to have a serious conversation with them (for example, carefully expressing to them that they directly ignored a clear and reasonable boundary I set and how that really upset me), they immediately get defensive and, instead of addressing what I said, they respond by saying that they feel like their boundaries are are being disrespected (in this most recent case, they wanted to have a phone call to talk, but my throat felt constricted and just couldn't speak or think well over the phone (they know this). As a result, I had previously expressed that if they wanted to talk right now, it would have to be over text, but we could also talk later when I feel more regulated. That is how I "disrespected their boundary.")
I've tried to speak very thoughtfully with them many times about how their needs and boundaries matter to me, but when they immediately respond by centering themselves and how they feel hurt, it leaves no room for my needs and boundaries. I love them, but after all my attempts to be heard, my love for them just isn't strong enough anymore to try again. I've realized this, but feel deep grief at the thought of ending our relationship because I know they have great potential for change and growth. It just seems that they're not ready and I don't want to keep waiting to be heard and respected by my own partner.
They basically told me to not contact them unless it's through a phone call. It's been about a day since then and I'm pretty sure I'm going to end our relationship, but I was just looking for what your takes are on this and if you have any advice <3
8 comments
Yeah of course end it, why would you want to continue this?
Boundaries are about what YOU do.
Your partner cannot have a “boundary” of “you must pick up the phone”. That’s not how boundaries work.
I think you should end it.
Boundaries are not about controlling what other people do, boundaries are only about controlling what you will and won’t accept.
Ex) You set a boundary by saying you didn’t feel well and either needed to talk over text or wait until you’re regulated (again, all about YOUR behavior, which is a boundary), and they are claiming you disrespected their boundaries by not calling on the phone? Trying to control someone else’s behavior and calling it a boundary is weaponizing therapy speech. It’s also not disrespectful to prioritize your emotional regulation and physical comfort.
It sounds exhausting to deal with, and honestly, to be dealing with someone dismissing you like this only 7 months in is a bigger red flag than I think you’re recognizing.
Good luck, you’ll be okay.
I had a partner like that. I would say something very carefully like, “it hurt my feelings when you said x” and inside all he hears is “you’re a shitty person!” and then his entire response is framed around “I’m NOT a shitty person! You are! For thinking that! What about when you do x, y, z!”
Meanwhile I’m just like, whoa dude, I’m just saying this one little thing was hurtful so you can’t keep that in mind for next time, I’m not saying you’re an overall awful person.
It’s not going to go away. It’s fragile ego. Anything that threatens their nice guy self image is a threat and they get defensive against the implication…when really it’s not even that serious.
It’s so frustrating though, I totally feel you. Sometimes I’d get it back two fold and I’d be like dude I’m not even blaming you, you wouldn’t even know that this particular thing bothers me had I not told you, I’m just letting you know for the future.
I’m mentally exhausted just remembering that
This is a deliberate tactic on their part to silence you and keep you from asking them to respect you. Unless they are willing to work on this, preferably in therapy, there’s no point in salvaging this. All you’ll be doing is letting them make you smaller and smaller.
This is the partner I am currently divorcing after 10 years together. It doesn’t matter how I phrase it or how kindly my tone is or what sort of mood he is in. It doesn’t matter how many discussions we had afterward of me explaining why this is so hurtful. It won’t change. My partner even admitted this during our final break up conversation. A who cannot hear these things without internalizing the insult and getting defensive seems unlikely to change.
Life is too short to date someone for their potential. Go forth and find happiness 🙂
You both need therapy for real. “Too disregulated to talk on the phone” and “not talking to me on the phone is disrespecting my boundaries” are both in lost in the sauce please-get-help territory. Have your serious conversations in person, not on the phone or via text message. It would kinda drive me nuts if I really wanted to have a serious conversation and my partner wasn’t busy but also wouldn’t pick up the phone.