Context: we've been together for 15 years. We have a 6yo son. Our son is quite full-on and can be hard work. We're awaiting an ADHD assessment because this kid, although he's delightful and very bright, barely sleeps and operates at 100mph when he is awake. Also he's not good at following instructions and he has a tendency to do the exact opposite of whatever you tell him to do – he can be quite trying sometimes! Although I love him and he's wonderful!
My husband was diagnosed with autism after our son was born.
We both work full-time. My husband is the main earner and he earns double what I do. I did previously have a better paying job but I quit to get a more flexible job that was more family-friendly. I now work from home full-time. Hubby works from home 3 days a week and has to go to the office twice a week. In theory my husband finishes work at 4.30 but he usually works until 6pm or until I call him for dinner.
I do all the school runs, school lunch prep and I cook dinner every day. I also do all the morning routine.
My husband sleeps in every day. I haven't had a lie-in for years. On workdays, husband wakes up when he needs to for work and not a moment before. At weekends he sleeps in usually until at least 10am, often until lunchtime. Whereas our son is an early riser and it's always me that gets up with him! I do all the school preparation routine, and at weekends I'm up making breakfast and playing with him or doing chores. My husband will sleep in, then shower and have a breakfast and coffee etc by himself before he joins us.
When I've spoken to him about this he says he can't help it because he just has a different sleep schedule to us. I've said that's absolutely fine but can be do something at a different time of day e.g if he has a lie in at the weekends can I have a "lie out" and a few hours to myself while he does bedtime. But actually, it's also me doing bedtime usually by myself! I also suggested can he take our son to the park for an hour or so after he gets up so I have time to myself. But he always finds an excuse as to why he can't do that. Conversely, when I take our son out in the morning without waking my husband up, my husband gets annoyed that we went without him!
I know he can get up because he gets up for work every day. And when we had friends visiting recently, he got up and made breakfast for them.
The only time I get to myself is when I go to the gym twice a week, but I always put our son to bed before I go.
My husband has said I can be controlling about our son and that is why he leaves things to me. And maybe he has a point. But I don't really feel like I can leave him to parent solo because things have often gone wrong when I have. Hubby loses his temper quite quickly and will not just yell at our son but fully scream at him. And once he poured some water on him after our son bit him (I know biting is bad but who is the adult here?!).
Additionally, once when I left him to do bedtime while I went to a class at the gym, I got back at 10pm and hubby was asleep on the sofa while our son was awake playing Xbox by himself. Hubby hadn't got him in pyjamas or made sure he brushed his teeth or anything. Also once I went to get my hair cut on a Saturday and hubby didn't make lunch while I was gone, he said because our son didn't say what he wanted to eat. Now I do my appointments during my lunchtime from work.
Hubby is completely addicted to his phone which he says he uses to regulate due to autism. But he is almost always looking at it and both me and our son need to repeat ourselves several times when we're talking to him. He's on it all day long including at the dinner table and didn't take kindly to my suggestions to have screen-free dinner, or put phones in a box sometimes when we hang out.
As well as this he doesn't do a lot around the house… I mean the daily stuff like the dishwasher, cooking, cleaning is all me.
I feel honestly like a single parent. I'm seriously considering divorce. But my husband is very upset about that and says he's been crying himself to sleep every night because I don't love him any more and that he will change. The thing is he has tried to change several times, but it never lasts. He has been diagnosed with depression and sought help but it's been several years and nothing has changed.
Hubby does get time to himself and I'm always encouraging him to attend gigs (he has been to 3 so far this year including nights away in a hotel each time) but he doesn't really have any friends of his own, he says I'm his only friend. I try to encourage him to hang out with his family but he reacts poorly because I'm "trying to get rid of him"
Also, when we're both sick for example when we both had flu recently, hubby will take to his bed whereas I'm still carrying on as best I can.
We had a good relationship before we had our son, I think, but since then it feels like I'm married to a man from a 1980s sitcom.