I (39M) have been married to my wife (37F) for over a decade. I did some thinking today after (yet another) argument. I've come to the conclusion that I'm alone, even though I live with my wife and daughter.
My wife has never really been the romantic type. Its not always been as bad as it is now, but any attempt I make to treat her like a wife, and not just a co-parent i live with gets shot down. She won't flirt with me when I try, she doesn't kiss /let me kiss her goodbye, and the rare occasions we have sex, its very clearly her just going through the motions. Often afterwards, I lie there and compare it to intimacy with ex girlfriends (which i know is shitty of me, but its the only frame of reference i have). There was passion, and engagement, and desire. With my wife, its like I'm there to (for lack of a better word) "service her", until she needs serviced again a few months later.
At home, I WFH, so i do more housework and childcare. She also works part time. I only mention this to try and highlight I don't think its a household workload issue. I often feel as well that if I want to carve out time for myself (whether that's gaming at home, or meeting friends) she will never say no, but will say everything BUT no, and make me feel bad about it. Meanwhile she Often meets friends, while I foolishly encourage her to do so.
I find myself in the schrodingers paradox of wanting to end the relationship but fearful to end the relationship. The number 1 issue is my daughter. I know that modelling such an unhappy relationship for her isn't ideal, but the idea of her getting exposed to her mum's attitude 50% of the time without ne there to temper it fills me with dread. I also don't think i can afford it financially.
I constantly daydream about having some, any intimacy with anyone else. Then feel guilty, beat myself up and go back into my shell. To everyone else in both our extended families,she plays a masterful role in coming across as a caring, loving wife. Then behind closed doors its more cold-war stuff.
Does it get better? Thanks for reading if you made it to the end.