I should preface this: I'm both a CSA survivor, and I have terrible contamination OCD. I also took very high dose SSRIS for about five years, though I went off of them last year because I started getting the feeling that they really weren't that good for me long-term.
Since going off of them, I've struggled to feel emotion in general, and my libido hasn't really gotten any stronger (something I hoped would happen, since it's always been an issue).
My (20f) boyfriend (20) is super attractive, fit, hygienic, and we love each other to death. He's always more than open to intimacy, but never pushes me for it, and is super understanding even on the months that we go weeks without, which I really appreciate as sex and wanting sex can be difficult for me.
Because of my OCD (and, I think, my fear of pregnancy), I have a bad aversion to cum. The taste, the smell, the feel, all of it. This makes it really hard for me to give oral. I try, but even precum kinda freaks me out, so just getting started is hard, even if I wipe it off. Mind you, my boyfriend's also quite big, so between the gagging and the cum, I really struggle.
Regardless, I want to figure out if anyone has a way to push past that and WANT to give bjs more, and maybe even want sex in general more. He loves giving head, but every time he does, I feel so guilty at how rarely I can manage to push past all my mental blocks and give for him, too. I genuinely don't know how he does it, he's amazing.
I also want to desire other types of sex more. It's good when we do have it, but my sex drive feels concerningly low for my age. Oftentimes, I'll initiate sex when I don't really want it, because I know how dry our sex life would be if I only initiated when I actually wanted it (think months at a time), but that makes sex fairly unenjoyable and sometimes painful for me.
I'm not sure what exactly I can do to get over my aversions and desire more intimacy. Any tips?