For context, my boyfriend and I met in college and dated for all 4 years before graduating this May. This has also been both of our first long-term serious relationship; we only casually dated other people for a short period of time before. We're both currently 22, but turning 23 next month. We went on a grad trip together just after graduating and last saw each other at the beginning of July. Unfortunately, we're both going to be living in different places for our full-time jobs, as I will be in New York and he will be in California. I am currently in Texas because my job hasn't started yet, so I asked him to visit me and my family during Labor Day weekend, to which he said that he doesn't want to because he doesn't want to visit my parents—especially since we're long distance and the future is uncertain (aka we might end our relationship).
This really bothered me because it feels like he didn’t even give long distance a chance, and he's going in with the mindset that we're going to end our relationship in the future. So I asked him if he sees himself marrying me in the future (not immediately, but when we're 26 or 27), to which he said he was unsure. This made me even more upset, so I asked why. He said that he would be ready to marry someone if he felt like he loved that person more than his family. This makes me think that he doesn’t feel like he can marry me because I don’t meet that standard, but I feel like we’ve been dating for 4 years already and now we’re going into long distance, so if he doesn’t feel that way about me now, I don’t think he’ll be able to change his mind any time soon—especially with less contact than before.
So I asked him if he would be okay with marrying me in the future, and if his answer is no, then I feel like that isn’t fair to me because the last thing I want is to waste my time loving him in a long-distance relationship only for him, at 26, to suddenly say he doesn’t think he can marry me. So he responded that he’s unsure.
I started getting really upset and began bringing up the idea of ending our relationship, because if he’s so unsure about being in a relationship with me, I can’t feel comfortable texting and talking to him like normal, knowing deep down that there is an inevitable end to this. He started getting upset when I mentioned ending our relationship, and he kept saying that he loves me but thinks that being stressed with his job is clouding his judgment. He also said that he’s not very good at long distance and is more of an in-person guy. He added that since this is his first relationship, he doesn’t know if this is how a relationship should be, if there is a more perfect relationship out there, or if—since no relationship is perfect—this one is as perfect as it’s going to get.
For context, our relationship isn’t perfect, and we have minor problems here and there, but nothing that has ever made me question wanting to be with him. He truly is a really good guy and treats me very well. I like to think I treat him very well too. Ultimately, we decided to go on a pause this week and reduce our communication so we can both think. I really need some help with gaining clarity.
TL;DR: Here are my worries:
- Are we too young to be thinking about marriage potential in the future? Should we just go with the flow for now and see what happens in the future?
- Do you think he'll be able to change his mind and want to marry me later and it's just his job stressing him out now?
He's a really good guy and I would hate to end our relationship over this but at the same time I also want to choose what's best. Please give any and all advice!!