I (42/f) have been with my girlfriend (38/f) for 6 years. We live together and raise her daughter (8) together. She's a SAHM and I work full-time, and I think we make a great team on a daily basis, but I keep coming to a point where I consider breaking up.
The problem is that we hardly sleep together anymore and don't often do things together as a couple. We organize our daily lives well, I also feel a lot of love and support, I know I can rely on her (as she has proven many times in difficult situations), we treat each other lovingly and respectfully… and yet I still miss closeness and intimacy. When we do sleep together (2-3 times a year), she enjoys it very much, but she almost never initiates it, and to be honest, I've also stopped taking the initiative because I've become resigned to it. She knows I miss sex and cuddling, and whenever we argue about it, she reacts with deep emotion and concern, but ultimately nothing changes.
We recently had a conversation about it, and I confronted her with my impression that she's actually happy the way things are. She confirmed that she doesn't have much of a libido and wouldn't mind giving up sex forever. That scared me a lot, because for me, sex is an expression of closeness, security, and connection, but also of my own vitality and zest for life. I find the thought of looking back on a sexless life at 80 very sad and a real dealbreaker, honestly. She says her lack of desire is due to the medication she has to take (she has a chronic illness and will have to take it for the rest of her life). I have my doubts, but I don't want to pressure her. I do want to feel wanted and desired and not always be the initiator.
I realize that I've pretty much repressed the issue because everything else is so good between us, and a separation would also mean a separation from her (now also "my") daughter. All of this scares me a lot.
I have to admit that I generally find it difficult to express my own needs. I've already considered going to a couples therapist on my own to figure out how to move forward, but I would also appreciate your perspective and insights, especially if you have experienced a similar situation. Does the relationship still have a chance? What can I do to improve the situation?
TL;DR;: My girlfriend is content with us rarely sleeping together and I am not. Is there any chance to save this relationship or is it time to break up?
12 comments
I recently broke up with my boyfriend because he wanted sex more than I did. I envisioned me having to reject him for years to come and I didn’t want him or me to have to go through that because I can’t see things changing for me my libido just isn’t very high anymore. I’m not sure if it could have changed but I couldn’t deal with it anymore it was a painful reoccurrence in our relationships each week. It was really hard to have to move on because I did love him but I could tell sex was very important for him and it felt like too big of an issue.
Sorry I don’t really have any advice but just thought I would share my similar experience. I hope you figure things out.
Hello!! Please consider going to couples therapy. It does work!! I am a 33yo female who went through a lot of stress last year and it killed my sex drive. I was very aware my partner felt insecure and I did feel bad about not helping myself in the situation. Please have an honest conversation and ask how she feels about it. She might genuinely just say she doesn’t feel like it … that’s completely normal and nothing to do with you! It’s unfair what our hormones can do in high stress times and sometimes we are just happy going to bed in a safe and secure relationship and don’t need the sex. I do however know that I needed to address my own health and hormone levels. Once I sorted those out alongside therapy … we’re at it twice a week now and it’s better than ever. Just be honest.
Without context on her condition I can’t say for certain, but *most* conditions have multiple medicines that will work for them. Changing meds is a scary and frustrating process, but if it truly is a medication side effect then it might be the only way forward.
Her being content *on her side* doesn’t make the problem gone. She knows this upsets you, and she still hasn’t tried anything to fix it. That’s not a great sign, to be honest. A therapist is still a good idea to check every box and make sure there’s truly nothing to be done, but in order for this problem to be fixed she needs to actually *see it* as a problem.
Break up. You want more than she’s willing to give you. You’re too young for a sexless marriage.
I think the other replies have made some good points and offered some good advice. I’d like to come at it from another angle.
What do you two do as a couple on a regular basis? Do you date? Do you have time for activities together? What about gestures of affection both romantic and physical? What makes you a *couple* on the day-to-day level rather than just roommates or co-parents?
Sex is a part of that but beyond that there are things that need to happen to say you’re *in* love, not just loving. Without them, particularly for women, libido fades and it becomes a catch 22. This can be changed relatively easily. It just takes dedication and willingness to try. Perhaps date nights, learning new skills or trying new things to reignite the spark, group activities for couples etc. might be an option to consider. Don’t make it about sex, though. Make it about bonding and being a couple.
Also, is she happy? You mentioned she’s a stay at home mother to your 8 year old child. This gives her a lot of spare time. What does she do with those hours? Is what she’s doing fulfilling and what are her levels of socialization and activity outside the house?
It can be very easy to get stuck in the mommy mindset, which can de-prioritize sex and building the relationship. It’s also hard to realize if you’re unfulfilled, when you’ve chosen to be a SAHM and potentially sacrificed a lot for it. The home can become a self-reinforcing echo chamber of sunk costs. There is a reason why old style SAHMs had lots of activities, projects and side-hustles outside of the home. With your daughter growing up, external activities certainly become more of an option.
To be honest, there could be a lot going on and we just can’t know the full details. It’s hard to reduce your life into a reddit post. Couples and perhaps individual therapy might be options to explore. Therapists better equipped to figure out the root issues and perhaps work out strategies to improve things.
so just bc you think you work well as a team outside of the sex issue doesn’t mean you don’t actually have issues regarding communications. maybe you two just cope really well together. so it sounds like you expect her to take initiatives bc you don’t feel comfortable to always be the lead. how are you dynamics outside of sex? is she always the one taking the lead? is that why you two get along very well? bc you just do what she asks of you so there’s no conflict? except in this issue where she’s not going to take the lead and all of sudden things break apart bc you’re used to being passive. that’s usually what i see in this type of situation.
You arent married, it doesnt even sound like you’re a couple. Just platonic roomates, which is convenient since you’re the one working.
Don’t discount medication as the cause. I know it hurts when it doesn’t feel like your partner desires you sexually, but medication can really do a number on your libido. Normally, I have a pretty high libido, but when I am on Zoloft for depression, sex literally seems disgusting to me, and I have no urges whatsoever. I would have your wife speak to her doctor and find out if this is a side effect, and if it is, the doctor can prescribe something to counteract it. You sound like you have a wonderful relationship and family otherwise, and that’s worth saving.
Tbh if she’s not willing to work towards change and you’re not happy split. My partner and i are working through a similar situation but she’s open to hearing I’m not happy and working towards change. She’s putting more effort in to show sexual interest but i had to be really open and tell her I’m not willing to be in a relationship like this and if she wants to be with me things need to change.
Sexual incompatibility in my opinion is a very reasoanble thing to break up over. Things can change and work out but both partners need to agree on a goal and work towards it together.
Somewhat similar situation and this is rough. I don’t want to say “If you don’t fuck me, I’m packing up my car and leaving you” because that seems very coercive, but it’s been a year and a half and I’m about ready to just end it. No kid, but I’ll really miss the cats.
I would give the couples therapy a try together. Don’t right off your relationship just yet. It sounds like apart from the physical aspect you have a good, solid relationship, so it’s worth exploring what help is out there. Perhaps do some research on the issue and how you can bring the physical side of things back. Suggest a massage, but don’t turn it into sex. Watch a movie together snuggled on the sofa. Gently increase contact and as she feels more comfortable, take it a little bit further. But always talk to her and let her know there is no pressure. You will get there. Good luck!
You sound like best friends and now that you’ve bonded with her child you feel guilty leaving. But it does not seem like you have a romantic relationship. This is not sustainable for 40 more years. Eventually the child will grow up and move away. I doubt your sex life and level of intimacy will change. It will get worse with menopause.
>wouldn’t mind giving up sex forever