My (33m) partner (29m) and I have been together just over a year. We recently got our own apartment together. Since November ish of last year, he’s been under a lot of stress due to work, which has been the reason he states for his lack of interest in sex. I’ve been pretty understanding, I’ve never pushed after he’s said no, never. He has said that he feels weird about genitals, so he doesn’t like doing foreplay. He is weird about hands stuff, and is “repulsed” by oral. We have intercourse once every 2-5-6 weeks, foreplay being kissing, caressing.
Which, okay, but he will flirt with me constantly when he’s home it feels like. He will bite and nibble at me, grab me by my neck playfully, flirt verbally, etc.
For a while, I would get my hopes up that maybe that signaled that he was in the mood, but if I tried to instigate sex, I would be told no. Which, obviously, consent. I wouldn’t push. But it has been to the point for the last few months where I have kinda had to numb my brain about his flirting and charged affection. I turn my brain “off” about it, and have even started to tug away from kisses or turn my head because I don’t like feeling teased in that way.
I’ve talked to him about it several times, letting him know how it makes me feel. Asking what I can do to maybe make life less stressful (I am at home so I cook, clean, have most everything done so that he comes home and doesn’t need to do anything when it comes to household chores.) he says no, and that I do plenty and that he appreciates it. Asking if he’s possibly ace, which he says maybe on the spectrum but not totally ace, but demi.
Everything else about our relationship is picturesque. We have a beautiful home together, never have any actual arguments, things are communicated healthily and worked on, this seems to be the only area in which despite several talks, nothing has changed.
I’ve tried every which way to figure out how to improve things. I’m left feeling longing for intimacy from him. It’s hurting my self esteem.
What should I try next? I feel bad for shutting down mentally, but it’s really the only way I have been able to deal with the situation. He will not go to couples counseling, I’ve suggested it already.