Hi all, looking for ideas and advice. My (40f) previous sexual experience has been in two long term relationships with men who were quite sexually dominant and knew what they wanted from me. I obliged and I think much of my association with sex is around being desired and providing. The sex was okay for me, but the being desired bit was very appealing.
I am now in a new relationship with a lovely man who is a giver and actually doesn’t want anything from me except to know what I want and provide it (tough, right). Except I’m finding it very difficult to be sexual or sexy, because he doesn’t want anything (like no interest in oral sex, no interest in lingerie, no kinks). Just wants to please me.
I just don’t know what to do, so many of my wants are tied to pleasing others and I suppose I’m struggling to feel desired because he is respectful and polite and won’t ’take’ anything for himself. Like no bum or boob grabs or sexual touching or just ‘using’ me for his own pleasure.
The sex we do have it is great. But I’m often finding myself imagining him with someone else because I find it hard to believe he wants me. He’s incredibly attentive, and I know I should feel lucky, but I just don’t know what to make of our dynamic. I have explained this to him, but he’s struggled to change so I think it’s up to me to try and switch my mindset.
Any ideas of how I could reframe it in my head? Or things I could try?
Short: my partner and I are both pleasers and I don’t know how to find a sexual dynamic that is more balanced.