I dont know where to even start with how we got here. Me (28F) and my husband (31M) have had quite the ups and downs. We have been married 3.5 years and have 2 small kids. In hindsight, he is not someone I should have married. He didnt show the leadership, spiritual, and basic qualities I wanted in a relationship. However, we had sex before marriage and I carried alot of shame with that and told myself regardless of his faults I had to marry him and make it work because I messed up and had sex with him. He had already had sex with two ex girlfriends so this was not a shameful thing for him. Throughout our dating years things were “okay.” I did have love for him, or so I thought. Looking back I don’t know if I’ve ever been in love, but he made that very hard for me. He always showed signs of maybe still being infatuated with an ex girlfriend who broke his heart. Fast forward to after we got married, I found out he had been looking up this ex girlfriend on social media multiple times throughout our relationship. I forgave and moved on but always still clung to the fact that his ex was his lost love and I was just the second best option. In recent months I found out he had a lengthy relationship with porn and lusting over women through his google search history. Most of was during our dating and engagement years. He said he would stop and he has (to my knowledge) but I have doubts.
The most recent thing that has me confused is that one of his friends recently told him he was d
ating his other ex girlfriend and my husband said he didnt care because she was “gross” blah blah. well I said, what if it was your other ex (the one he seems hung up on). And he said he would be hurt if anyone he knew dated her because he thought she was the one and he would marry her so it would be a betrayal if anyone he knew dated her. Mind you, this was 10 years ago that he dated her.
This is just a top line recap. Theres so much else along the lines of his lack of perusing any relationship with God, lack of true leadership, lack of making me feel wanted/beautiful. I’m to the point where I dont even think I have feelings for him anymore. We are sleeping in separate beds. I’ve tols him how I’m only staying for our small kids. He insists I’m delusional and insecure (which maybe I am, but largely because of his actions). He says I’m the one for him but his actions and words have never shown that.
Yes, we have done counseling but be comes home and talks crap about them and things they are silly older people just saying things to say them.
Idk what I’m looking for here but maybe some advice? Hope? Do I leave? Stay?