Now, I totally get that ghosting and generally treating people with little respect happens, and sucks – I guess im lucky on that front because ive only been ghosted once and have had good experiences in general.
But im referring to the whole mentality of "I'm giving up dating because I haven't found my person in a year of searching"
I find that kind of statement to be absurd.
You're meeting strangers. Complete strangers. You have a valid set of dealbreakers, as do they. You are more interested in someone who has x hobbies, y beliefs, and has z mannerisms.
As do they.
And even if that all lines up, sometimes there just isnt chemistry. Conversation doesn't flow. Maybe they dont have the same sense of humor.
I think a lot of people, especially those who use dating apps primarily, simply expect their person to fall into their lap with very little time invested into actually looking for them.
I have met 14 women in the last 2 years. All of which I found attractive and had at least 1 thing in common with.
Only two of those women was I genuinely interested in. One we just didnt have chemistry, and the other just wasnt interested.
But so what? I'm meeting complete strangers. Even very few guys I click with and develop deep friendships with. It goes both ways.
The only people who have GREAT success on dating apps are those who easily connect with anyone (a valuable skill in life in general), or those who are good at seducing others.
For the former, it may be hard to find someone because they already connect with tons of people – they might not view connections as something as special as others do.
And the people who are good at seducing, they may have great success with casual dating, but the people that this works on probably aren't looking for anything serious.
All I'm saying is, people in general need to expect less from actively dating. You're meeting complete strangers in search of someone that you have the "ultimate" connection with. That is going to take a LOT of time unless you get very lucky.
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I think dating can be exhausting at times. I go on dates and sometimes they’re fun, I connect with the person on some things but after a couple dates I know it’s not going anywhere and end it and that part isn’t exhausting.
For me, after years of searching for someone that checks all your boxes and you find a true connection with THEN you need to determine if you’re also their person. Do they have red flags? Are they a cheater? And most importantly do they truly even like you back? It’s like even if you meet the perfect person for you, they may actually not be and after months or years of searching just for a connection like that, it may turn out badly and that’s exhausting. Getting your hopes up to be disappointed. At least for me which is why I always have low expectations, even when everything is perfect. I don’t want to be this way but it’s exhausting mentally
The reason dating sucks for me is that I don’t even know where to meet people
Most of the people giving up are doing so after years of bad experiences, not one year.
Yea the “woe is me” 20 year olds are cringe, but you’re allowed to be cringe at 20, you’re still experiencing a lot of stuff for the first time.
No, I don’t think you’re the only person lacking empathy or the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, OP.
Finding dates can be really hard for some people. For some its easy. What makes the whole process hard is constantly starting over with different people. It numbs you after a while and can also be dreadful especially the first few dates with the same person. Once you start getting involved, sure you can look forward to spending time with the person.
Its hard because after a few failures- if you are emotionally sensitive- you don’t open up as much with the next date, and have to constantly protect your heart while also trying to date. It becomes exhausting. Its best to take breaks in such cases.
Again, everyone experiences and feels differently in the dating phase and you gotta find the perfect balance in order to not burn yourself out, or to find new people that can be prospective dates.
I’ve never been single longer than 6 months (by choice). I would go on 2-4 dates a week. Gave different types of people a chance. People are just lazy and flakey now and then when their laziness and flakiness prevent them from getting what they want, it’s easier to blame apps or dating. I’m sure there’s some people out there that are just having bad luck but even with friendships I find the quality is going downhill. The comments I see online are evident of people complaining about everything and everyone. I love a good complain sesh myself but if you’re not changing your efforts then nothing will change.
Ha dating is the easy part and I totally agree with your take about this but just imagine the men and women who are aging out of the procreation phase and start freaking out not only about not having met a suitable mate but also about actually producing a child?! They begin this journey -we will call it- of producing child at any cost…so dating is the easy part.
I totally agree. Unless you’re highly-adaptable to any type of persona, you’re probably trying to find the right match, which just doesn’t happen easily.
Also everyone gets ghosted, it’s normal, some people are rude, other simply don’t know how to say they’re not vibing with you. People make too much of a big deal out of it, who cares, move on.
I think the problem here is there’s still no truly good dating app focused on actually really matching people. Somewhere in the world there’s probably the right match for each of us, but we lack the tools to reach out to them. Maybe an app like that wouldn’t be profitable, or maybe it’s just too hard to make.
People make too much of a deal out of “knowing what you want”, that is easy, we all of course want to be with someone, the difficult part is knowing “who” you want, and “how” to find them.
I try and stay positive and when I do turn negativ I will just stop dating altogether. But your experience sounds like a really nice one and that is not the case for everyone.
When most first dates turn out to be one sided interviews and most people you try and date a bit longer ghost, breadcrumbs, lies and behaves shitty in all kinds of creative ways. Thats when people lose hope and complain. Myself and so many friends of both genders have the same experience and its just not fun after a while.
Nah I agree a lot of people complaining about dating have wildly unrealistic standards and when they dont get met they complain like they’re not apart of the problem.
They’re basically like the meme of the guy drowning in like 2 ft of water.
I think its more than that.
I’ve been single again for 2 years, and before my last relationship it was a pain in the ass to find my ex at all.
At this point, I have literally gone on so many first dates I’m in the TRIPPLE digits now, since 2018.
You’re telling me, out of literally hundreds of women, even if most were/are strangers upon meeting, only my ex actually wanted to have a relationship with me?
Meanwhile, every single one of my married friends and family literally married the ONE AND ONLY woman they ever dated. And none had to even use the apps.
And yes, I have tried to cover many of my personal bases: I’ve been in therapy for years, I am full time employed, bought my own house, have friends, hobbies, volunteer, am not afraid to go out of my comfort zone, take care of myself with exercise and what I eat, etc. My mom is even a marriage counselor, so I’m probably more equipped than most dudes in some of those categories, etc.
The reason dating is cursed I believe is that everyone, men and women, have the perception of infinite choice. There’s always greener grass in their minds. This is why my ex left even after our 4 year relationship was objectively great, she wanted ‘something new’. (In hindsight I realize that she cannot stay in a relationship for more than a couple years. Before me she left a 2 year marriage).
Due to this, I feel people don’t give each other a chance and/or have ridiculous expectations. They abandon ship FAR too soon to reach the full potential two people might have. Plenty of the women I’ve gone out with I would have loved to pursue into a relationship with. But for one reason or another they rarely rarely ever do with me. And I know for a fact dudes do this too. I’m a little guilty of it as well, but I have been even told by my female friends that I give people a little “too” much leeway in terms of how patient i can be.
This is why I think dating is so hard these days.
I’m so jealous of my friends and family who met their spouse not only very young, but they found their person on the first try without having to use a dating app. They almost all met in school or their job (never a hobby or activity people keep harping on as a space to meet). High school, undergrad, grad school? Never found anyone. Didn’t help that my undergrad was male dominated, and grad school was 90% international students who still struggled with english which made it tough to bond with any of them. Work? If its not male dominated, the women are not the appropriate age for me.
yet I keep trying to stay resilient. Its gotten to the point where when my family asks “how did the date go?” and I can only say “It went great, but that literally indicates nothing”. I’ve had some of the best dates ever result in “there was no chemistry” texts 2 days later. Which is so confusing because my first date with my ex went no different, and that resulted in a 99% amazing relationship of 4 years. Its just so hard to know when something is real or not.
The people who are giving up on dating arent the ones who can’t find their person within one year. They’re the 30-40+ year olds who’ve gone most of their lives with minimal dating experience, despite some combination of working on themselves, working out, making goals, going to therapy, seeing dating coaches, trying multiple iterations of their dating app profiles, “putting themselves out there”, not having friends with other single friends, etc, etc
Your whole post is on the assumption that everybody enjoys going out and meeting new people. Some people want to meet their person but find it exhausting repeating the process of dating over and over to be disappointed.
Personally, I am quite outgoing but prefer to be more introverted so it works for me to date when I’m feeling sociable and pause when I’m not but I completely get why it’s exhausting for people.
Not to mention that it’s disappointing when you connect with someone and they turn out to not be who they say they are or you’re incompatible and have to let the connection go. I think the constant swing of getting your hopes up and then a mini heartbreak etc.
There are so many reasons why some people would find it exhausting but congratulations that you don’t. It’s like Usain Bolt saying he doesn’t understand why someone finds Olympic sprinting so hard or why they don’t enjoy it.
No. I try to empathize but a lot of people are insufferable about it.
I recently had a date and she was going on about how dating apps create of facade of options and that people are always looking for the next best thing. Really just regurgitating talking points that you see on this sub.
Like I get it but come on.
Well, a few reasons.
1. You say you have 14 first dates in the past two years? A lot of men can’t get that many. It can be frustrating.
2. It’s not always. “Ok, after getting to know each other, we are not compatible, thank you for your time” there’s a lot of manipulation, lying, playing games that people have to deal with.
3. It’s exhausting, if you don’t fine at least ONE person who wants to be with you, it can hurt your self worth. The issue with that is: Do you ACTUALLY need to work on yourself or is it just bad luck?
I think the problems are situationships, trust issues, and racism (even from your own race). I found I met a lot of people with mental health and self esteem issues where they project onto you. Also them trying to feel superior to you. For example, being Asian and dating Asians, for some reason every Asian wants to be Korean. Because they also want attention, they will keep this up until they find someone meeting their checklist. It’s like shopping on Amazon, you can buy try and return. Also, some people have been hurt so many times that they no longer trust people so they are quick to pull away.
Fully agree. I’ve been single all 34 years of my life. I go on dates with hotties and have fun. Too many people put themselves in boxes and take this shit too seriously.
I can tell from this post you are either above average attractiveness or trolling. Dating is hard for most men because of the selectivity factor. The process of actually dating is super easy it’s getting someone to actually go on the date that most men struggle with.
Bah, it’s lazy people who say that
People who don’t understand that it’s (unfortunately?) a numbers game and it’s patience, coupled with luck
People expect to hit it off on the first date, first encounter and then when it doesn’t work out, it sucks. It’s cliche’, but there are 8 billion people … there is definitely someone out there for each person. Probability dictates it
You’re not the only one. I have really enjoyed my dating experiences. I honestly can say that out of oh I don’t know 50+ dates that I have been on, I’ve only had one that immediately I knew that it would be a bad date so I ended it early in a graceful manner. But other than that one I have not had one bad date and you’re right you’re just out meeting people. Even if I know it won’t go any farther than the first date I still enjoy the person’s company. And just having that attitude and mentality makes any date enjoyable.
In fact a part of me wonders if the reason I haven’t settled down with a boyfriend is because I am having too much fun lol. Or that there is something in me that I know I will miss my single life a little bit once I am in a relationship. But then again I really have not met just the right man. And I am holding out for head over heels love.
Yet another vague post without specifics : location, sex, age, etc. All that matters, your highness.
No one has a conscience anymore
I think you’re focusing on one aspect of dating and that’s just the getting to know you first date portion.. but I am in agreeance with you dating is hard it’s supposed to be hard. Relationships are supposed to be difficult. However as someone who is frustrated with the entire process, I think a lot of people are not genuine or realistic about what they’re looking for in partner. The internet and social media has created a false economy that you have a vast number of potential mates. We have this belief that everyone is replaceable. If they don’t do something if they don’t look a certain way there’s another man or woman waiting to take their place. We fail to accept that there are a lot of people that are just playing this game. Not looking for a real connection they just want somebody that they can fuck for a bit and move on to the next one. Or someone that’s not looking for an actual partner and looking for somebody to just be money bags. As I scroll through different ads on various platforms I realized that a a lot of people are not looking for an actual relationship they’re looking for something that requires them to make his little change as possible and benefits them the most. But that’s just my take
A whole lot of selection bias. The people who are struggling are more likely to be vocal about it. And people who don’t have realistic expectations, like what you described, are more likely to complain.