I met met my friend (lets call him jack) last year on a certain app mostly used for hook ups. We met with the express purpose of hooking up but we really enjoyed each other’s company and it morphed into a FWB situation until we just eventually became just friends. we only hooked up 2-3 times so the sexual part of our relationship was very short lived and now he’s become one of my closest friends.
When we first met I had a bit of a crush on him. He’s very handsome, charming, funny, smart and caring but I decided not to pursue him because he had told me he was moving out of my city the next year and also that I was too young for him and so I decided to not act on my feelings which was honestly a great decision because im grateful to have him be in my life as a friend.
Only a few of our friends know how we met and we try to keep it a secret since we don’t want people judging him for sleeping with people much younger than him and also his best friend of ten years, who is also someone i was actually friends with before meeting him, got really upset at him in the past for dating someone around my age a few years ago and that almost blew up their friendship. A part of me does worry that if she finds out we slept together she would be even angrier since the age gap would be bigger and Im also someone she knows personally.
Anyways, this year Jack moved out of the city but we still keep in contact and hang out whenever he comes to visit. He’s even spent a few weekends at my apartment when he had no other friends to stay with and I always enjoy having him around because i appreciate the company and the cooking and the chores he helps with. Our relationship has been purely platonic ever since we had stopped sleeping with each other.
Me, Jack and a mutual friend were organizing a trip for us to go visit him in his new town and spend the weekend together however we couldn’t find a weekend that worked for both me and our mutual friend so we decided we both do our own trips to go visit Jack. At this point I had just recently started dating a man around my age (20M) however his behaviour leading up to the trip was making me question him and his intentions.
The trip happens and its wonderful. We have a really great time and he shows me around his new town and we do activities such as going to the beach and hiking. During all of this we end up having a lot of deep conversations about our future goals, I express my unhappiness with my current life situation: work, friends, the anxiety of my current relationship and even being unhappy about the city I live in. We talk a lot about this and Jack even offers for me to move in with him in his new place for cheap. On the drive back to the city its mostly silence, just watching the scenery and smoking cig while thinking and trying to digest everything we talked about until he suddenly asks me if I want kids. It felt like a very out of place question but we ended up having a long conversation about it where I’m almost in tears by the end.
He drops me off and its very sad to say bye to him since it felt like we got so much closer over that weekend. He even tells me “I love you buddy” when I leave which is something he’s never said before and I tell him I love him back. Its true that I love him, whether its platonic or romantic I’m not sure yet but I do hold love for him in my heart. On my way back home I can’t stop thinking about him and everything we talked about and I realize “I think I still have feelings for Jack” but I try to push down those feelings since I’m currently dating someone else.
After a week or two the guy I’m dating confesses he does not want to be in a relationship with me. This hurts a lot but I saw it coming. Even Jack was extremely skeptical of him from the beginning and told me that he didn’t like where this was going. And now I’m left with nothing to distract me from confronting my feelings for Jack.
I keep thinking about all of the great moments we had on our trip together. The way he would casually touch me, holding my hand whenever i was scared on our hike or picking me up and holding me in his arms when we take photos together. How easy it to have carefree fun with him but also have deep conversations. I always thought Jack was everything I wanted in a partner but I knew not to pursue him because I value our friendship.
I don’t know if I should tell him how I’m feeling. Its like my crush from last year has grown into something much bigger and I’m scared I won’t be able to hide it when I’m around him. I think being honest might be a good thing however I’m scared this might scare him away and ruin our friendship. A part of me feels like these feelings might be reciprocated but I know that I’m below his dating age range and that us being in a relationship could cause issues in his personal life so I doubt he’d act on his feelings. He has very strong morals and for once I’m upset about that. lol
TLDR: I think I’m developing feelings for my best friend however there is an age gap and that could cause issues in his personal life so I don’t know if I should do anything about it.