I 24F started dating my boyfriend 30M a couple months ago. We have been friends for over a year at work. I loved watching how he interacts with people and the genuine kindness he gives everyone. We’ve talked a lot about how far he feels he’s come from being a “douchey” guy in his earlier years. While I don’t believe anyone is perfect he seemed pretty close, I couldn’t seem to find any reason he wasn’t. Now I got a little too curious after having a discussion with a friend about her uncomfort with her boyfriend’s locker room talk with his friends… and I looked in the chat.
I’m not going to excuse the fact that I snooped and am not planning on bringing anything up I saw and policing what someone says. But in there I saw him talking about a woman who was at a wedding he went to in the beginning of us dating exclusively and officially. He talked about staring at her rack and was hoping “her puss” was for dinner.
I also saw him use the n word which does not sit with me right. You are a 30 year old white man… you should know better.
Later, more recently another friend sent a picture of another woman and he made a joke that if hadn’t already jacked off he would save that picture in his hidden album to use. Everything had been deleted around the time we started dating which makes me think in the beginning he was most likely talking about me in a derogatory way. Which he does not do now in the chat.
I brought it up from my friends perspective and implied that I would be very uncomfortable if he engaged in that kind of talk with his friends. He swore he didn’t and said that he hopes my friends boyfriend can learn to respect women better… lol
This honestly has me questioning whether I want to continue the relationship or not. I don’t believe in policing what people say and I don’t like that I snooped but I do believe I’m allowed to make choices if we clearly don’t align on something like how you talk about women when you’re not being watched. Outside of this he is very respectful, and honestly I’ve never been treated with more respect and love.
Is this just a normal part of dating a man or what?? It definitely seems just very performative and I can’t tell if I’m overthinking this or not.