Hey everyone,
I (20M) have been with my girlfriend (19F) for about 4 years. We started dating when I was 16, she was my first girlfriend but I wasn’t her first boyfriend. In the beginning everything felt amazing, but now it feels like everything is falling apart. It feels like a routine. Like I have to stick to it.
I need to be honest: I cheated on her, but in a way that I didn’t even realize at first. I struggle with sex addiction and other personal issues. So I went to prostitutes and stuff like that. Im a horrible person. On top of that, I have really strong mood swings. I often take them out on her, and I know that isn’t fair. I wouldn’t say I treat her completely horribly, but I also don’t treat her as well as she deserves.
I feel like I’m not a good person. I feel stuck. I can be myself when I’m with her, but sometimes I get so angry and exhausted that I literally want to punch into a wall and then jump off a bridge lol. But only temporarily. Like now, wtf I’m wrings in a Reddit group. I’m scared that one day things will explode and something really bad will happen between us. I don’t want that, but I don’t know how to stop it.
Personally i think I’m more afraid of the breakup than being Seperated.
Things can change do fast. Right now at night I’m getting insane. And Tomorrow is Friday and I’m prob gonna smoke all day after work just to not think. I tried therapy for some sessions but they didn’t help. They told me to just not do that again and forget it lol. I feel like I’m getting insane. My body is burning and my feelings can switch from „hey literally our 4th anniversary is in 2 weeks „ to „no present, always expensive, she has better presents“ and then 5 min later I wrote her that I’m overwhelmed by everything and blamed her why there is always such high expectations, even tho I know she doesn’t have them. These mood swings are making me crazy.
I’m not asking for a step-by-step guide on what to do, but I just needed to get this out. I don’t know how to handle myself anymore and I’m afraid of where this is going. I tried literally anything.
TL;DR : What Can I do? Is there any advise for this? Please be brutally honest with my situation.