Let me start with this: I want to save my marriage.
I've been with my wife for nearly 20 years and lived by “happy wife, happy life”. Recently, I realized I am not happy. I hope this is received well, but I'm open for all perspectives and opposite POVs.
For my birthday last year, I told my wife I wanted something simple—time with family, putt-putt, a museum, dinner. Nothing happened. At the end of the day she said it was my fault for “not doing anything.” That’s when it hit me: in nearly 20 years, she’s never once planned a date, event, or anything "for me".
Since then I’ve tried to fix things. I started therapy, I’ve used Gottman tools, I’ve been direct about what makes me feel loved. Example: I asked if she’d occasionally join me at the gym (my fav hobby)—not intensely, but just to be with me. In three months she’s come twice, and only after I begged. Meanwhile, if she asks me to join her for errands, I always go.
When I told her how important this was to me, her response was a sarcastic, “I didn’t know marriage was transactional. So Love is a business?”.
I know I’m not perfect, and she has great qualities. But what happens if those are outweighed by challenges? She won’t go to counseling, she says she doesn’t need to “communicate everything,” and I feel increasingly lonely in my own marriage.
So today, I emailed a law firm for info on a consultation. I don’t know if I’m making the right decision, but I feel like I’ve tried everything and if i keep living this way i'll lose myself….if i havent already.
I’m truly looking for advice and perspective – not blame. My goal is still to save this marriage….if possible.
Am I moving too fast by talking to a lawyer?
Am I already too late to fix this?
What would you suggest if you were in my shoes?