I am going to try to Keep this short as i can. I am a (36 M) and lately I have really felt that my wife (33 F) has resentment towards me and maybe because i truly have to admit i have been weak in front of her, at least in my eyes. Backstory is that we have been arguing more than just being happy. Things even blew up last month were we had a "talk" on our issues with each other and I thought since from that things were getting better but now we are back to stand offs and her one day being in love with me to the next her not talking to me.
What led to this blow up had to do with her feeling that i don't put enough into around the house. She has had issues with me in the past with me not taking enough initiative around the house like simple chores or having the issue of being told what needs to be done. I did agree because i have been having those issues but over time i worked on them and especially these last 6 months i kicked it into high gear and really have worked on myself with this and my mental health to be overall partner. Her other qualm with me was that i tend to forget something always, even my boss at work mentioned this. For example I would remember to do 5 tasks and forget the sixth. And that happened all the time. So, i went to my family doctor and had some tests done and we both agreed that my ADD was triggering again and i have got some help now dealing with that. I believe that before the doctors visit this has been my problem since i have got a promotion in my company to a more stressful managerial role. All things i agreed with my wife and really took initiative to change. She has even noticed it and said something to me last week about how much progress i have been making. I really do think that me getting some help has made a difference, i know take care of the kids more, generally take over for her when i get home since she is a stay at home mom. I do things now around the house with out looking at her for what is next and became the true keeper of my house. I really do feel good for my change. But before this i can sense i was weak because during the time she had major issues with me i would run to her and say what can i do to make things better or say do you love me still, things that would make you look like a wuss in front of your woman. Since then i have been a whole lot better i don't ever mention phrases like that and built up strength in myself to be better and stronger in front of her.
But back to what my problem is and why i came to write this on here. With all that i feel like our relationship has not really changed and our arguments are picking back up again. As i am writing, this is the truly first time i have thought about leaving the marriage. My main concern for her is that she is not living to her end of the bargain. Even though i have been working on myself, that was for me to become better for our marriage and not just for selfish reasons on myself. My problem is that i feel she really deep down she doesn't care about me or resents me. In the midst of the "talk" last month my complaints have been how she was always jumping down my throat, the lack of intimacy ( we haven't had sex for 4 months now going on 5) and the lack of her being able to deal with my love language which is touch. I know we have two different languages, her's is acts of service and mine is touch so we are on different waves with that but everything else we have in common. My thing is that i haven't felt her "want me" or even want to touch me in over a year and some months. When i do bring it up it is usually gets scoffed at and she tells me to just deal with it since its dry spell or she says just man up. It's hard to sometimes when you feel like you are never going to get it again or be touched ever. We hold hands and get close when she feels like it but asking for a kiss is like 50/50. One day she is up for it other days she is like i don't want to be touched or i go for a kiss and she is like no, i don't want that right now. I feel like I do respect boundaries because if she doesn't want something i will back off and not bring it up. But what has me so upset and harboring my own resentment has been me giving acts of service while i don't get anything. She will always bring up well i cook for you everyday (not all the time we do go out or pick up when tired or want to do something). She says "your" house is always clean, kids taking care of and other things i don't have to worry about. I always tell her how appreciative i am of that but i feel its not generally reciprocated. I mean i give her massages every night before bed, outside of working all day, keeping up with the finances and then taking over the house role when i get home. The good thing is we don't have financial issues because i have a good paying job and it covers everything. My overall general complaint is that i feel i do more and she is not caring about me or just resenting me.
What really gets me is the massages though. I don't mind doing it because i enjoy the touch of her body and truly i feel like this is the only touch that i will get. But it bothers me because i haven't complained about giving her massages for the last 4 years everyday (we have been together for 7 years now) ever since she was pregnant with our kids i have been giving her massages. Never complained once but if i bring up sex or touch she instantly tells me " IDK what to do for you". It's enough now where i just want to stop but i know she will get pissed if i do. What has truly been working but i hate it because it is cruel in my eyes is if she is getting mad with me or being unreasonable i just ignore her and not talk for several hours. The sad part is that it works and she then comes to me and tries to make things right. I hate it because i watched my mother do that to my dad. Every time they would fight or argue ( my father does have emotional issues) she would ignore him and then he would chase her to make things right. I really don't want to be like that. My thing is that i feel like it has been a one way street. My last story and this for me was were i started to hold resentment for her was around my Birthday. This past March when my birthday came around she asked me what i generally wanted and i was serious. I told her that i didn't want no gifts just to relax, send the kids away to her relatives ( my parents are out of the picture) and get close and maybe have some good sex since I really like to be touched and if she wanted to get me anything just a pair of new crocs and some jeans that is it. Well my birthday came i got the monetary things but the closeness never came. I did bring it up and she told me that just because it's your birthday doesn't mean you are entitled to sex. I get that because i know that i don't have a right to someone else's body without their approval. For me though it's not just about the sex, even though i want it. It's the respect end of her just sucking it up for one evening and going "you know even though i really don't want it, i will make him happy and fulfil a wish for him".
This is what has been truly bothering me. Within this last month or two i have been resorting at times where i am low i go off somewhere secluded and just break down and ball my eyes out because it feels like i am not heard or appreciated. There is times were i am pleading to the sky saying "all i want is to be touched, if i could at least be touched once i would be ecstatic". Yet, nothing ever comes of it. Maybe one day things will change but it feels like a long road.
The final straw and what made me right this was that for the past 2 weeks everything has been good and over the weekend we made some extra money doing a yard sale and spending quality time doing it and helping each other out. Felt like i was on cloud 9 because everything feels great. So, i told her i wanted to buy an Xbox Series X. I have been wanting this for years now and have not bought out of either forgetting to pull the trigger or just using the money to buy things for the house, you know being responsible plus i don't buy myself shit. I told her about it Sunday and was going to buy it that night. She gave me a look and said do what makes you feel happy. I went and bought it and ever since then she scolded me and said instead of worrying about that we can put the money towards a new fridge or flooring, all in which i planned for in the winter since money has been good this year. She finished scolding and has not talked to me since Sunday night and only making snarking comments like " i see you set the xbox up right away" just being mean. This is where i was like i am give up because it feels like i can't even have something i want. All i want is just something i can make myself happy since i am not getting anything from her especially right now.
I know this might not be the best place to air my grievances or ask for advice but i truly have no one to talk to about this. My parents basically don't come around because my mother has issues with me being independent/man (attachment issues) and my dad goes along with it so they basically disowned me. My brother would instantly not hear it and goes into stubborn mode of saying "leave the bitch". They only one i can is her brother in which we were and still good friends before we got together. He tries his best to give me good advice piggy backing off his marriage but i truly don't to always want go to him and say your sister is this or your sister is doing that. So it's only when i ask when something more major is going on.
So, this is why i am asking for advice here. Please just give it to me straight whether i am being a wuss or truly something is wrong. Thank You.