Recently I’ve scrolled through this subreddit and have seen multiple posts and comments about ghosting and how it's emotionally immature, cowardly behavior, etc.
I sympathize with all people who have been ghosted and who have felt worthless after being disregarded by someone they thought they had a genuine connection with. I too have been ghosted and know exactly how it feels; it led me down a spiral and tanked my self worth.
On the other hand, I have also ghosted people, and no, I don't feel ashamed or guilty about it. I don't even think about the people I've ghosted (unless I'm doing self reflection/ shadow work) and how I’ve made them feel.
When I ghost someone, it's because I'm no longer interested or don't care about them anymore. I feel nothing towards them. The most recent example I can give is when I was talking to this 35M (I'm a 22F), and we met each other at my job site… we spent a few shifts together and talked over the phone a few times until he faded away and didn't respond to the last few texts I sent him. At the time, I was getting validation from the attention he was giving me, so once he stopped responding, it felt like I was experiencing withdrawal from a drug. Over time, I realized I was relying too much on this person. Instead of practicing self-validation, I was relying on him for reassurance and basing his attention on my self-worth. Once I realized he wasn’t going to reply to the messages I sent him, I just blocked him… to make me feel like I had control over the situation. And at first, I was doubting myself and highlighting my insecurities, wondering what I could’ve done wrong, but I started pouring my energy back into myself and felt better overtime. Months later, I got a text from an unknown number, and it turns out it was him. I gave him another chance, we started talking and reconnecting again, and I started to feel that feeling creep back in, that I was relying too much on his text back or his next phone call. I ended up sleeping with him the first time I went to his house, and I thought sex would ruin our dynamic, but it stayed consistent afterwards. Until one night, he was begging me to come over after I got off work, and I didn’t want to because I’ve made it a habit to go to the gym after work, but he persisted, so I caved in and went over to his house.
When I got there, I did not feel the same attraction and connection that I did last time, and while I was sitting there, I was just thinking how I should’ve gone to the gym instead. Something just shifted in my brain… this person that I was seeking validation from no longer mattered to me. And after I left that night, I slowly started to pull away and officially go ghost and block him. He texted and called from unknown numbers to get an explanation as to why I ghosted him, and I just didn’t care to exert any of my energy to explain myself. I didn’t care to give him or the situation any more of my emotional labor. I was done, I was over it, completely detached… I no longer cared.
I know ghosting can cause immense pain, and I’m not making this post to green light ghosting. I just wanted to give a perspective of someone who has been on both sides.
5 comments
I don’t really think you’re giving any new or unexpected perspectives? People ghost because they are selfish and don’t care about others, despite the intimacy they’ve built. There is a quick and easy way to NOT cause that pain, which is just briefly telling them the truth before you go. You don’t bother because you are selfish and lack empathy for the unnecessary damage you’re inflicting. Which you backed up all of the above in your post.
So…pretty much what everyone already thinks. It’s not normal or healthy to lack empathy to this degree, so I encourage you to seek help or therapy. You can heal from whatever has cut off your emotional maturity and have a better quality of life (for yourself and others) if you put the time in. Some people experience traumas that lead to things like this and it’s not fair that you had to go through them, but you can work on healing them so that you don’t cause harm to others.
“I feel nothing towards them.”
“I don’t even think about the people I’ve ghosted.”
“I don’t care about them anymore.”
😂😂😂😂 no way you’re doing “shadow work.” You sound horrible.
I just got ghosted two weeks ago, I’m trying to own it and figure out if I screwed up. I try really hard to not throw it back on the other person and become a better version of myself through each failure. But I do wish she’d have let me know why. If she just wasn’t into me, that would have been way better than leaving me feeling like maybe I ruined things. At the end of the day, even if her reason, which I’ll never know, is valid, its incredibly inconsiderate to kick someone off who you’ve acted like you’re into. There’s really not a justification for that kind of behavior. It’s the same as when a guy plays games with a girl, and says things like, “I dont wanna hurt you,” or, “I have problems.” They do that in order to get her to breakup because they don’t have the balls to let her down themselves. The adult, considerate thing to do is to communicate your issues and move on. You put other people through a considerate amount of distress.
On a side note, it sounds like you’re an anxious attachment type and are only attracted to people who you have to chase. Once this guy started really wanting to hang out, you checked out. That going to pair you with shitty guys down the road, speaking from experience.
Please don’t do that.
This is a horrible take. Just because you feel “nothing” for them anymore doesn’t mean that it’s okay to just discard someone. It’s so immature, and makes you sound super selfish.
A simple message ending things in a way that doesn’t allow the door to remain open is the respectful and appropriate thing to do. Then you can block them. That’s it. It’s so fucking simple.