Hi everyone,
I’m really struggling with my marriage and would appreciate some outside perspective. I’m currently in psychotherapy because I often feel confused and sometimes wonder if I’m the one with a behavior problem.
Some background:
• I was a victim of sexual abuse from age 7 to 8. I had buried those memories for a long time, but they’ve been resurfacing now.
• My husband was my first live-in partner, and he is 27 years older than me. I truly loved him very much, but over time I feel the marriage has become emotionally abusive.
We’ve been living separately for about 7 months, but we still see each other almost every week. Sometimes things are okay, but then we fight again. I sometimes sleep at his apartment, which used to be our home together.
Some of the main issues:
• Conflicts with my stepson (17): At first I had no problems with him, but over time he became disrespectful toward me. My husband almost always sided with him and failed to defend me. This left me feeling insecure, unwanted, and resentful — to the point that I now hate my stepson, which I never wanted to feel.
• Trust and betrayal: I found out my husband was writing to prostitutes and planning to meet them. That broke my trust completely.
• Lack of communication: He doesn’t tell me when he makes plans with his child’s mother, and I later learned he is still on a shared rental contract with her.
• The wall art incident: After a fight, he asked me to leave his apartment and give back my key so I couldn’t get in anymore. That devastated me. I got angry and threw my bag at a wall art piece gifted to him by his son’s mother, and it broke. He was furious and even threatened to call the police. I cried and asked him if the wall art was more important than me. He said he had it for 18 years and I had no right to break his property. That hurt me so much. For years I had asked him to remove it because it triggered me, but he refused. Three days later he repaired it.
• The vacation and the key: He went on a 3-week vacation with his son. I was expecting to get my key back since I still have things in his apartment and my mail is still delivered there. Instead, I found out he gave my key to his ex’s mother (his son’s grandma) so she could water the plants while they were away — without even discussing it with me. That completely broke my heart and became the last reason why I now want a divorce.
I admit that I’ve thrown tantrums, broken things, checked his phone and emails out of insecurity, and sometimes even had suicidal thoughts because I feel unloved, tired, and worthless. But at the same time, I feel his actions don’t reflect love or care, even though he says he loves me.
Right now I’m torn:
Am I the problem because of my reactions? Or are these valid reasons to want a divorce? I would really appreciate some honest perspectives, especially from people who have gone through similar situations.