I (30F) live in Canada, my husband (30M) lives in the US. We’re waiting for a decision on his immigration application so that he can live with me in Canada. Yesterday I got a message on Instagram yesterday from a woman who had been my husband’s uber driver. She said he was hitting on her during the ride, and then he gave her his Instagram. He then sent her a message saying “you’re so beautiful and adorable”, which she sent me a screenshot of, and then he blocked her. He also sent her a message saying she’s “a flower in his garden” or something but she deleted the messages before she could get a screenshot.
When I brought this up to my husband and asked why he did this, at first he said she was complimenting him too, so he returned the favour so that she wouldn’t think he’s rude. 🤨 I don’t really believe this, but even if it were true, it’s ridiculous because I know if I ever did what he did, he would lose his mind. I pointed this out to him and he admitted that he would be just as angry as me if he were in my shoes.
At first I said I was done with him because my heart was broken, but the way he responded made me crazy – he just said “ok, if you don’t trust me, we can divorce then.” Like he didn’t care at all about our marriage. That made me go from feeling hurt, to feeling like I wanted to cling to him because it’s like… how can you hurt me and then just not care?!
I know I shouldn’t tolerate this kind of disrespect, but when he turns things around on me and says “ok, then leave” – it triggers my anxious attachment and I cling to him because he makes me feel like I’m the one giving up on our marriage, but really I just want him to give a shit.
Am I valid in feeling completely heartbroken and disrespected? And how can I stick to my guns and tell him that I want out, even when he tries to turn it around on me and act like I’m the one giving up on our marriage?
TL;DR My husband gave his Instagram to a girl who drove him in an uber, then proceeded to message her saying she’s beautiful and also some poetic crap about being a flower in his garden. When I said I wanted to end our marriage, he acted like he didn’t care which triggers my anxious attachment and makes me want to cling to him. I need some advice on standing my ground through his manipulation.