The dry facts first. Me, M48, my wife, F46. Married for 6 years, together for 8 in total. Lept straight into it and had a kid, bought a house and a cabin within 6 months. We now have two kids of 4F and 7M, and she has one from before, a teenage boy, really good kid.
I’m doubting if we have a future, have been for years. We fight, and very easily enter downward spirals that can last for weeks. Everything is shit then: a tension in the house, acidic language, cold shoulders, dismissals and reprimands dominate. The kids live under that, poor things. Divorce is often brought up as ultimatums during fights. She’s bitter about our past, feels betrayed as i didn’t live up to expectations during her pregnancies, without going too deep in the details. Guess i wasn’t there for her the way she needed me to be. I’ve also had anger issues and have had extensive therapeutic help with that. She can also be furious. She’s quick to anger and it takes a long time to recover for her. Days. No violence, well, verbal but not physical.
Although I’m describing the shitty aspects of our marriage here, my wife has many good qualities, and when it’s good it’s good. But following a spell of deep doubt early this year i thought, how good is good enough? What’s a ratio of good days to bad days that i can live with? I’m counting now, a simple metric: if I’m happy I’m married to her, it’s a good day, if i think I’d be better off on my own it’s a bad day. Each day i record whether it’s been a good day, a neutral day or a bad day. But I’m unsure of what the success metric is here. At first i thought that as long as the good outweighs the bad i should be satisfied. But I’m not sure anymore.
My question to anyone who has the inclination to answer: what would be a good enough ratio of good to bad days for you?
(Just to mention the kids’ wellbeing here, i think it closely matches that of ours as a couple. If me and my wife feel we’re better off by ourselves i think a divorce would ultimately be better off for them too. We agree on this, none of us believe in “staying together for the kids’ sake”.)
Would love some input here from the wise and caring crowd of this sub.
(BTW, it’s late, I’m in bed – yeah, separate (always) – and I’m about to turn out the lights so will read and respond tomorrow.)