A lot to unpack, but seeking guidance/input.
Background:
My husband (39M) and I (37F) got married young (me: 21, him: 23) after finding out we were expecting. We had been dating since I was 18 and romanticized a future together early on in our relationship. We both made the mutual agreement we wanted to spend our lives together, our daughter’s life just jump started our forever.
I had insecurities in our relationship to begin with. He had mentioned his ex throughout our time dating and would make me feel secondary to her. “You never love someone like you love your first love”. He disclosed some information about their sex life and would talk about how attractive she was. I felt like I couldn’t measure up.
Fast forward 5 years into our marriage. We had just had our second child when an attractive woman began working in the same department as my husband. He mentioned her numerous times. Again: insecurity unlocked. Postpartum was difficult for me the second time around because I began working a month after having my daughter as finances were tight. I pretty much did EVERYTHING for our children. The unpredictable childcare alone fueled my post partum anxiety. I came to find out my husband and his attractive coworker had exchanged numbers and were quite flirtatious. After being confronted he insisted it was nothing. My gut told me otherwise. Here’s where my inner crazy comes in…. I went through his phone in the middle of the night. I found that he had told his friends about her. One friend even asked if he was going to get a birthday blowjob from her. In his deleted pictures was a screenshot of a convo between he and his coworker (which he had sent to his friends). In the text she asked if he would have sex with her. His response was not included in the screenshot. To this day, 11 years later, I still don’t have an answer. I immediately began sobbing and woke him up asking “are you cheating on me!?” He pulled me into his arms and said absolutely not and wondered where this was coming from. I told him about what I had found on his phone. Immediately the script was turned around on me. He was livid I went through his phone. I realize that was wrong but it felt secondary to what I found. He then threatened to have sex with his coworker out of spite. A week later he went out to lunch, one on one with her. He did not disclose this to me until several days later when we were having cocktails together. I told him, once again, how uncomfortable this relationship made me feel. I endured a month of flirty texts between them and felt completely powerless. I was gaslit for two months and made to feel crazy. finally begged him to cut all ties if he didn’t want our marriage to implode.
This was DEVASTATING for me. I took a major ego hit and still deal with residual impact a decade later. My husband is quite protective of me and HATES when men check me out. Roles reversed, this would have destroyed our marriage entirely. Something he owns to be true.
Since that horrible period in our marriage, we have had some beautiful and some challenging seasons. One constant remains: our profound love, deep friendship, and unwavering commitment to each other and our four kids. We have a very magnetic connection and despite the times he has wronged me and I have wronged him, we are in this for the long haul.
Since having our fourth, I made the decision to step away from my nursing career to be present for our kids (my husband was in full support). My husband travels nearly weekly for business, so this decision felt like a no-brainer. There is nothing more important to me than being a present parent, but I’d be lying if I said the lack of adult interaction isn’t taxing. I, unhealthily, tend to rely on my husband to fill this void when he gets home from trips. He is a very present husband and father when he’s home, but he’s also very burnt out from such a demanding schedule. I struggle with allotting space when he needs it because I miss him so much when he’s away.
For the last year he has worked closely with a coworker (41F) on his team. I have never felt threatened by her looks. Beauty is subjective, but I know my husband simply isn’t attracted to her (she is nearly his height, thicker, and is over injected— something he detests). Despite my insecurity in my marriage, I know I am an attractive woman. BUT for some reason I have developed a paranoia with this woman working with my husband and I can’t quite put my finger on it. Being a woman in a male dominated industry, she likely feels like she has to overcompensate. There have been numerous occasions where she has desperately invited herself along for his work dinners with their male counterparts, despite not being invited. Most recently on a work trip that families were on, she found out on the last night my husband and I had planned dinner with industry friends of ours who were on the trip. Although she had been invited to another dinner, she kept texting my husband and asking if she could tag along. Ultimately, I felt bad and invited her. While there, she kept talking to me about my husband as if she knows him better than I do, which I found bizarre. At one point she even told me we likely wouldn’t still be together if we didn’t unexpectedly get pregnant. My husband thinks she meant nothing by it, but it still hurt me and undermined the life we’ve built together and the trials we’ve overcome. EDITED TO ADD: my husband’s coworker found out about our history because our work friends (who we have a real life friendship with) have a similar story. We were lightheartedly discussing parallels in our lives. He has more discretion than to talk to her about intimate details of our life.
I NEVER want to start drama in my husband’s place of work, but when I express my feelings of discomfort with this woman seeking my husband out periodically, my husband dismisses my feelings and tells me to keep the peace. I get he’s between a rock and a hard place because they work together, but based on our history I’m very weary about professional boundaries being skewed. Now I find myself anxious and paranoid when they are together, but I don’t even know why. I don’t think he’d EVER pursue her even if he was single. I just feel uncomfortable with her. It could be that she gets to spend time with the work version of my husband: the side of him that is always “on”… outgoing, charming, funny and I get the home version of him: the burnt out man who is trying to give all of himself to his family and his career. The raw version. The real version. I love that man- at his best and at his worst, but I do feel very jealous of the people who sometimes get more of him at his best than I do throughout the week.
(ADDED) I find myself asking frequently about who he is with on trips or who he is going to lunch with when he’s in the office, which has started to annoy him. From his perspective, I understand how crazy I’m probably coming off since there’s no attraction, but I think so much damage was done in the past that I struggle with his interactions with women in his industry. I don’t even know how to fully address the paranoia at this point.
I don’t even know what kind of advice or input I’m looking for honestly. I am in therapy (newly). I do recognize I have an anxious attachment and my husband is more of an avoidant. We do love each other. I just feel like I’m not getting enough assurance and validation, which is leading me to spiral.