The context is specifically in Trinidad, but moving elsewhere will not change. I do not belong anywhere, and at this point, I am 100% convinced of this. I don't enjoy myself when socialising, and I feel like a nuisance when I'm in other people's presence.. I just feel isolated. It's painful, but something I've come to accept at this point. Being among people feels lonely, like a visual justification for why I have no value.
I don't know what people expect of me, but I'm doing exactly what I'm told. Making eye contact, listening to people, and trying to be careful with what to say. Responding to questions and building off them. Talking about myself in relevant ways. Asking questions about people. Giving casual compliments about their outfits. Just acting like a normal person. And I end up only acting. And it seems everyone can tell about someone.
I don't belong. I'm replicating the actions as best I can, faking it. But I still don't belong. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do or feel. And I cannot say that they are bad. They're not bad at all. I am just not feeling what I'm supposed to. And even after events, I don't build anything.
So I go back home alone with no changes. I feel even more lonely, convinced I'm garbage and return to bed. It just feels like I'm the defective one. Like, I'm tolerated at best through all of the joy and activities. Do I have value as a person? I don't feel it. And certainly telling myself doesn't make my disgust in the mirror better. And others saying it doesn't bring confidence when I'm 99% sure they're hoping I leave.
So, to me, I'm just wasting my time and inconveniencing everyone else. So I quit. I'm not going out again, I'm not talking to anyone. I'm just going to bed rot until I die. I am 15 with nothing to show but complete failure.
"Just go talk to people, you're not actually trying. You're not putting in the effort."
Nope. Not getting gaslight again. Bedrotting is the least horrible thing I'm willing to do to myself at this point.