I’ve gone back and forth about posting this because I notice that whenever men bring up sex and marriage, the conversation often turns against them. But I’m really just looking for perspective and advice, not to complain or attack my wife.
Here’s my situation: before marriage, intimacy between my wife and me was very regular—about 2–4 times a week. Now we’ve been married for a while, and it’s down to once a week, usually right around payday. I can’t help but feel like it’s “scheduled” or obligation-driven. When it does happen, it often feels like pity sex or “here, so you’ll stop asking,” which honestly makes it harder for me to feel emotionally connected.
For context, I have what I’d call a high sex drive. Once a week might be perfectly fine for some couples, but for me it feels very lacking. I don’t believe our physical connection is about just “getting off”—for me, it’s tied directly to feeling loved, wanted, and connected to my partner.
I’ve done my best to bring this up respectfully with her multiple times over the last few months, but it never seems to change much. Outside of intimacy, I work hard, provide for our family, and make sure she doesn’t have to worry about bills. I try to be a good husband in every way I can. But when it comes to sex, I feel unseen.
I completely understand that women get exhausted from daily responsibilities, work, and stress, and I don’t expect her to always be in the mood. But at the same time, I feel like my needs and feelings aren’t being valued. I don’t want to pressure her or make her feel like an object, but I can’t ignore that once-a-week sex—mostly when tied to payday—makes me feel like intimacy is a transaction, not something we both enjoy.
I know there are men in even harder situations, going months or even years without intimacy, and I really empathize with them. I don’t want to let things get that bad in my marriage. I want to fix this before resentment builds.
So my question is: how do I communicate this better without sounding like I’m just “complaining about not getting enough sex”? How do I find a balance between understanding her needs and not feeling like mine are dismissed?