I have a few flaws about my personality that have started to annoy and grate at me.
I suffer with social anxiety and have a lot of insecurities from being average/slightly above average in talents and just not exceptional in anything.
Thats normal, but I was raised by a parent who routinely referred to me as being “special” and talented. (I do appreciate what this parent was trying to do, but I also think some realism and balance is also helpful.)
By coincidence, to this point in my life I have been around a lot of exceptional individuals (gifted intellect etc). These people are comfortable in their talent, they don’t mention it but you just know that they’re cream of the crop and you feel insecure around them because you know you’ll never match their skill sets. Many are also quietly confident, as in no airs and graces, just living life like anyone else, not raising their accolades or accomplishments in conversation.
You feel that there’s no point in even trying or raising any of your accomplishments because they pale in comparison.
When I’m around these people I literally feel like I want to run for the hills.
How this manifests:
- I develop an aloof body language around people who are very talented and who know much more than me. I become closed off, guarded and avoid them.
- when I’m around these people I dress differently. Many of the talented or even well off people I have met have dressed down and were very down to earth. I dress up (but not over the top) because I feel like that’s all I have against them. I feel if I don’t do this, I blend in and become invisible.
- my social anxiety manifests in rudeness. For ex, today a guy said hello to us, I ignored him because prior to this he gave off negative body language signals, so I thought he was behaving mischievously. People treat me quite poorly so I’m always suspicious when they’re friendly. After this encounter, I felt guilty.
I think I essentially come across as this aloof and arrogant person out in public. This is not what I’m like around people I’m comfortable with.
I often leave social situations feeling embarrassed as a consequence of this as I know people are thinking this. But also it’s difficult to work on this as people can be quite judgemental and lacking in understanding.
For ex, when I’m out with people and someone starts a conversation if I find it hard to look at them, they stop making eye contact with me after a while and just look at the other people in the group. When this happens I feel disrespected and misunderstood, so I pull back.