For context M in early 20, currently going to college and try to set my career up. Never interested in relationships up until recently.
However I try going out on couple dates, but nothing much happens after that or it fizzles out. Then I just pause for months.
In my own term "knowing what I want" is looking for longterm, loyal person, something like that. However, I been kind of hesitant to going back again because apparently I might actually don't "know what I want" or at least get it like people said.
Example from my previous date, the other person was nice and all, but I was like "static". I don't know how I should feel. It just likes hanging out with friends.which got me hesitated and questioning my self.
I still feel like I want experience going on a date more, but I need advice/insight on how to approach this?
3 comments
At 20, most people don’t know what they’re actually wanting in a partner yet. You might think you really like a certain gender role until it happens to you and feels violating. Or you think you don’t need a lot of communication but feel neglected when you actually date someone who rarely messages you.
You discover your boundaries and preferences through dating. But after you’ve dated a decent amount of people, you get a clearer vision of what you want in a partner, and that person also having a good understanding of what they want becomes important.
For example, at 28 I know I am not interested in hook-ups (never have been tbh). I know that I want someone who is ambitious, understands the importance of family, and is kind to me vs someone who negs or banters a lot. For it to work with a man, he needs to know that he wants these things, too. I don’t want to start dating a man who after a year says he isn’t sure he wants kids anymore or wants to open the relationship.
You might not know what you want yet and that’s ok. But when you do realize your boundaries and preferences, it’s important to voice them early into meeting someone.
They mean exactly that. I’m 39 but have always know what I wanted. Not out here trying to get laid or date or see where things are going. I’m merely talking to you to sus out if you’re the type of woman I want to marry or not. Most men and women even my age have no idea what they want. Just a list of hundreds or thousands of icks.
Know what you want, go after it. Also don’t let icks of such minor things get in the way of being with a good man or woman. Most times we get in our own way of finding our person
It’s a mix of learning what you want, what you need, and what you don’t want in a relationship.
For me, some of it was core stuff I knew I wanted, and that’s never changed.
Some of it was stuff I learned from research, watching videos on psychology and relationships.
Some of it was stuff I learned from experience. Going on dates with real people, learning what I didn’t actually need, and what I couldn’t live without.
And that last one is ongoing. I’ve learned something from every relationship I’ve been in, whether it lasted six months, or six hours.
My advice is to date with intention, but don’t take things too seriously too soon if that makes sense. Date with the possibility of it becoming something real and long lasting, but also accept that it may take a few tries to find out what you need in a partner, and then a few tries after that to find the partner that matches equally well with you, since it’s a two player game.
P.S. On the book knowledge side I highly recommend the YouTube channel CinemaTherapy, because they do fun videos on healthy (and unhealthy) relationships in TV and movies a lot.