Life has been hell ever since puberty hit. It may or not have to do with my appearance, but I think it does. As a kid I was outgoing, but then bullying came and I stopped talking to others, so by puberty I had shut down completely and didn't want anything to do with anyone.
I am still insecure and I've been insecure about my appearance and skills all my life. I've had friends during my teenage years, but they felt more like hallway acquittances than friends. We never got to talk in a deeper level, just a superficial bond.
A lot of people I considered friends talked shit behind my back and, because we didn't know eachother beyond a deeper level I didn't care. In middleschool a girl came to tell me one of my "closest" friends was saying bad things about me and I just shrugged it off because I already knew. And kept her around either way.
The only person I had a deeper bond with became my abuser. Won't go into detail, but it messed me up pretty bad and made me shut down completely for a whole year.
Lately I've been talking to more people in college. I like them but I feel like they don't like me as much as I like them. Every time we hangout I go home and cry because I feel like they're rejecting me. We could go to a fair and, as soon as it ends, everyone wants to go home. They don't even wanna spend time together afterwards.
I know it's silly but making friends makes me more anxious about being rejected. I'd rather be alone and miserable than constantly wonder what they're thinking of me and if I'm about to get stabbed in the back again.
But being alone makes me think of the times in middleschool where I sat alone, studying or drawing, with the eventual person harassing me for being a lonely preteen. It feels like I'm not making any progress in anything, like I learned nothing.
Any advice?