Hi Reddit,
I'm a 30-year-old gay Asian man living in the Pacific Northwest. I'm generally described by friends as laid-back, kind, a good listener, and a go-with-the-flow person. I have many close friendships with women and generally get along great with them.
However, once in a while, I run into a dynamic with a woman who seems to be overtly aggressive or dominating toward me. It's like they feel the need to "put me in my place" or prove that they are more knowledgeable or in control. This has happened a few times in my social life, but a current work situation has made me want to seek some outside perspective.
The Situation at Work
I'm a systems analyst, and we have a project manager who recently joined our team. She frequently uses a negative, almost combative tone when speaking to me. My coworkers have noticed this and agree that her behavior seems to be directed only at me.
For example, she once scheduled a meeting for me to run without providing any details. When I seemed confused, she acted annoyed and snickered, making a remark to another coworker as if to suggest I was slow or incompetent. I am always polite and get her what she needs right away, so I don't understand why she feels the need to treat me this way.
This dynamic isn't limited to work. On occasion, I've met women at social events who are warm and cheerful with others but cold or distant toward me. It’s like they hold me to a different standard, are less patient with me, or feel the need to be more critical.
My Observations
I've noticed that about 75% of the time, the women who exhibit this behavior are lesbians. However, I have also experienced this with some straight older women, too. I don't think the aggression is a result of homophobia or racism, as other gay and/or Asian men in my circles don't seem to experience this. I've also never challenged or confronted these individuals. I'm not a loud or dominating person myself, so I'm not sure why they would feel threatened.
Could this be related to my personality? I can be a bit shy, and at times I've been told I'm somewhat "girly" in my interests, like fashion. I wonder if there is something about my demeanor that makes some women feel they can treat me this way, perhaps a misinterpretation of shyness as aloofness or something similar.
I'm really trying to understand this pattern and would appreciate any insights or potential explanations. Has anyone else experienced something like this from either side of the coin? What do you think might be the cause? I'd like to figure this out so I can perhaps change my actions or communication for the future.