Growing up my family was always dysfunctional. On the outside, it seemed perfect, my parents showed up to everything, earned a good income, we had nice things etc. On the inside however my parents and both sets of grandparents were emotionally immature. There was no healthy conflict, only passive aggressive or outright aggressive behavior. My dad spanked me and yelled when he got upset and my mom avoided conflict at all costs, never saying anything to stop him and often just turning to him to be the disciplinarian. I was always told by everyone in the family to be looking out for someone else's feelings, but no one ever cared about mine. Usually someone was poking fun at someone else, with "I'm just joking" being a common line that was used when someone was clearly upset. With my mom highly anxious and my dad easily angered I was usually walking on eggshells in my household or lying or twisting myself in some way to keep things in balance.
My grandparents were similar. Showering us in things or always saying how much they loved me but often putting me in a position of taking care of their feelings. My grandmother is not always nice to my grandfather who is handicapped, often making fun of him.
There was not a lot of emotional understanding in our family. No one ever asked how I was doing. I never fit in where I grew up and had few friends, no one at home, with a lot of high expectations. I was gay in a super homophobic town where it was not safe to be gay. I was in so much pain as a kid and everyone either ignored it or shamed me for it. I remember usually being yelled at when I was crying or scared. In high school I became very depressed and my parents did not want to get me any help because of how it would make them look.
Unwinding all of this as an adult has been incredibly difficult. I moved to the other side of the country as soon as I turned 18 and maintained a relationship with my family for years despite it being difficult for me. The last time I visited was four years ago and finally after many years of therapy I saw it for what it was. Not a single person showed any interest in my life, hobbies, friends, interests, etc. I sat around and listened to everyone gossip for hours. I ended up in my room crying alone. My mom and grandmother would message me frequently outside of the times I visit with updates on their life but no interest in mine and when I would share details I'd get met with short responses, like they don't care.
I have complex PTSD and depression and have been in therapy and on/off different medications since I was 15 years old.
About 3 years ago my partner at the time was deported and told my parents and grandparents this. Not once did anyone check in to see how I was doing. After that, I decided to cut off all contact with them. My parents, grandparents, sister. Truly feels like they are all children that I've been responsible for my entire life. I needed space to heal and it seemed unlikely they were ever going to get it. My grandmother sent me letters detailing all of the things she enjoyed that we did when I was little with language that seemed like she was writing to a boyfriend rather than a grandson. It made me feel really weird and violated. And showed she really didn't know much about me after I was in elementary school.
Earlier this year I did reply to a message from my mom really outlining everything that happened and saying I needed them to at least acknowledge the harm they caused. The response was positive on the surface, but turned out to be a lot of empty promises followed by her shifting back to acting like everything was normal.
Now my grandfather has dementia and is sick in the hospital. My grandmother has reached out to me. I have not responded but am wrecked with guilt already. Should I reply to see her and my grandfather? They are getting old and despite everything they were the least bad ones. I have this feeling however that by showing up for them I will be damaging my relationship with myself. I am already struggling with a major depressive episode right now. I feel there is no good option, only a lot of pain and grief. Am I being unreasonable or inflating the damage it would cause me to get back involved? I feel I have gotten out of these dynamics and I don't want to risk entanglement again. Maybe I am stronger now though and could set boundaries, but is it worth it? I just don't want to feel like a terrible person.
TLDR; My grandfather from my emotionally neglectful family is ill and I don't want to see them. Am I being unreasonable?