I met my current fiance three years ago and we hit it off immediately. We've been together for about the same time now, live together, and have a cat together. When we got together, she made it clear that she had mental health issues, and I was okay with it at the time. Since then things have gotten worse, and she has lost all of her friends, so I'm the only person she socialises with. Her family live too far to see often, as do mine. The problem now is that I work 40 hours a week, and she works around 20, and I'm expected to do almost all of the house chores, because she doesn't have the energy. When I've asked for help from her regarding my own mental health issues, she's said that she doesn't have the energy to care, which hurt considering the energy I give her. Nothing I have been able to do has helped, and it now begins to get frustrating that I'm doing most of the chores, pay the bigger share of bills, and have to help her with emotional problems. I feel like I'm beginning to hit my limit on how much I can deal with, especially considering she doesn't do anything to help herself get better. Therapy is too expensive, making new friends is too hard, trying new stuff is too hard, doing anything is too hard for her.
TL:DR Depressed GF isn't getting better, and I'm beginning to hit my limit on how much I can support her.
15 comments
Too young to be engaged. If it is meant to be, she’ll be there forever. Sounds like it’s not meant to be
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?
So she “doesn’t have the energy to care” about you, but you’re supposed to do everything for her?
This is a preview of the rest of your life if you stay with her.
This is who she is.
Don’t marry this person.
You are way too young to have to deal with this. She’s not your responsibility to fix. Dating is about finding someone compatible for the long run. She is clearly not compatible with what you want. Break it off with her and move on and find a better partner.
You can’t fix her life for her. Time to think long and hard about whether this is really what you want your life to look like. Marriage means for better for worse, in sickness and in health. *Getting* married means being willing to stick with that. But right now you’re not married. Don’t mistake your current situation for some inevitable state of being. Or worse, don’t think you need to be ‘noble’ and make yourself miserable for her sake. Do you want a partner or do you want to be her carer?
You’re not compatible. Start looking for a new place.
Keep in mind, if you marry someone who is upfront about not wanting to work or pull their weight – if you’re already having misgivings – when you get divorced, you’ll be paying some fat alimony payments.
>When I’ve asked for help from her regarding my own mental health issues, she’s said that she doesn’t have the energy to care
Regardless of whatever else is going on, that’s the deal breaker for me. Had a GF tell me once, after asking me to open up, she needed me to be the strong one….then she left a week later when I needed emotional support.
This woman is using you. There’s no reciprocal emotional support. You’re on your own if you need help. That’s not a place you want to be especially if she’s driving away her friends, she’s going to drive away yours too. She loves you because of her own selfish reasons, not because she values you.
One of your life goals that a caring teacher, family friend or family member once told you and you’ve probably forgotten about not understanding how important it is, is “Don’t surround yourself by people who don’t value you”. You should spend your energies building up your life and the people around you with that goal in mind.
My advice, reposition your life without her. There’s nothing selfish in this. Good relationships are mutual. You’re just extricating yourself from a bad one.
Break up and move out (find a place first), expect her to make all sorts of promises to try and keep you. But she has already shown you what she is really like.
Sounds like it’s time to move on. This is why being together for awhile, living together first, and not getting married before the age of 25 makes a marriage so much less likely to end in divorce. If you marry this girl now you’re gonna be divorced or absolutely miserable in ten years.
Time for her to sink or swim… leave her. She will surely accuse you of not caring, but that kind of happens when you’re not getting an equal amount of care out of a relationship.
Don’t feel so bad for her that you neglect to save yourself first.
Being married is not primarily about how much you love someone. It’s primarily about spending 50 years with someone trying to solve problems and feeling supported when solving problems. Love makes that happen over time.
While someone with a chronic illness creates challenges at this problem solving issue, but it can be addressed if both sides are honest with and respect each other.
I believe this perspective is relevant
She’s drowning and if you’re not careful she’ll drag you to your own drowning too.
She needs a lifeguard.
You’re not a lifeguard.
Set boundaries to protect yourself. Defend that boundary firmly and without compromises. Tell her to seek help, guide her to help, but do not drown with her.
This woman sounds like an anchor.
The biggest group of divorces is one of both parties gets married before the age of 25. Up to 25, people should be going out and building their education, their career, dating people experiencing life and finding out who they are.
Instead of doing all that, you got excited the prospect of a relationship and dug your heels into a situational problem is not only doing the above things I mentioned, but is also dealing with mental health issues as are you. And it doesn’t sound like she’s doing anything about it.
Do you want a dose of reality? The best thing you can do for yourself long-term and medium term as well as short-term? Grab the cat, get your stuff and get out.
Once again, grab your stuff, grab the cat and get out. First of all, if you want to actually have a shot of having a happy life, like I said go build up your career, work on yourself, have experiences and date people. You’ll mature and have a better idea what to do with yourself in life.
If she has major mental health issues like that, she should not be looking after a cat if you can’t even look after herself. as far as I’m concerned, the cat deserves to be treated like a human and does not deserve abuse and neglect. If she can’t do much, you need to leave with the cap. It doesn’t matter the cat makes her feel good. The cat is not a stuffed animal. The cat deserves a good life without issues and without the potential of having neglect, which is where she will likely spiral.
You’re not her parent, you’re not her babysitter, you’re not a caregiver. If you won’t do anything to better herself, if she’s not willing to help out and be and do what you need, ask yourself why the hell you would stay? If you are staying because you don’t feel as right to leave, then you really aren’t in a position with enough life experience to be in this relationship in the first place.
Get the cat, get your stuff and get out. I wouldn’t give her much warning either because you don’t know if she’s going to lose it. Staying and trying to be Mr nice guy is just playing games and wasting your time.