Hi everyone. I have an issue with being too parent-like and lecturing to my friends. I focus too much on “greater good” and on their future, which makes me not being the best supporter in the right moments, and I dare to say that silence would be better than what I sometimes say. I hate it because all i wish for is to be here for them, be the safe space, but I just keep acting wrong no matter how much I try to think everything through before sending a msg.
For example, when I had a discussion with a friend and won, the friend started closing up and said they felt “weird” (answering my question on how they were doin). I apologised, said i knew they don’t like to lose and that it’s okay to react like that, and gave them a tip on how to improve at arguments (the friend themselves is the type who keeps trying to help even when I don’t need or want it, so I thought that if they were in my place, they’d try to help by giving me tips too). i asked if they needed space, and we ended the conversation with that. A few minutes after that, i sent one last message, where i feel like i fucked up the most. A part of that message reassured him it’s okay to react how he reacted (again), and then i dropped sth like “but you need to learn to be more open to winning over time” (oh lord in heavens how could you even let me say sth like that). I added i am truly sorry and that i’ll be gentler in the future, and said gn. That was it.
Now, yes, I am aware of all those mistakes of mine. But I don’t wanna just say sorry. Sorry needs change. And i struggle with that in long term. So please, has anyone any tips on how to force myself or just somewhat re-learn how to be a good friend who actually is a safe space?
8 comments
You shouldn’t be WINNING conversations.
That is the problem right there.
Let go of the need to “win” and just ENJOY.
Imo interactions with friends aren’t supposed to be a debate or discussion that one wins or loses. It’s supposed to be fun, enjoyable, etc.
This has to be rage bait. But in the event it isn’t, just know that a safe friend isn’t thinking about winning or losing conversations. They’re thinking about how to get on the same page.
I do this sometimes too if I’m not careful basically just pause and think for a minute before you text or say it. It bugs me cause I usually feel like I have a good answer but they don’t know that so all I’m doing is being annoying. Unless they ask I just try not to say anything
It is so easy to slip into advice mode when you care about your friends. I have done the same thing and felt bad after, so you are not alone. Sometimes the best support is just listening and letting them vent.
You do not have to fix everything for them. Just being there, even in silence, can mean more than any advice. It is okay to mess up and try again. You are already growing just by noticing this about yourself.
It’s actually pretty cool that you care enough to want to help your friends, even if it comes out a little strong. Most people just want to feel heard, not fixed. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just listen and let them vent.
You don’t have to have all the answers. Just being there is enough. We all mess up sometimes, but the fact that you notice it means you’re already growing. Your friends are lucky to have someone who wants to do better.
You need to try to get out of the mindset that your friends actually **need** your advice all the time. Or, that they don’t already know whatever you have to tell them. Unless they are actually asking for your advice, don’t offer it. Because what you’re doing now, telling people they need to do this or that, sounds annoying. You don’t have superior sage advice to give everyone about their lives or how they are.
It seems to me that you make a lot of assumptions about your friends thoughts and feelings. It was already pointed out to you that a conversation with a friend is not something where someone wins. You replied to another commenter that this is just how you act with that friend, but are you sure they see it the same way? When they said they felt weird you assumed that it was about them feeling bad about losing. But maybe they just wanted to have a conversation with you and felt weird that you turned it into a competition. You then assumed that they would give you advice in the same situation and further assumed that giving them advice on how to win would make them feel better.
The advice I can give you is to make less assumptions and ask more questions about how your friends see a situation and what they need from you.