Hello people. 27m here
First things first – I have to inform that I've been struggling with my sexuality for few years now. Unfortunately due to anxiety issues (I am anxious person – I kinda have it in my genes passed down from grandma and mother) I took psych medicine which actually made figuring things out impossible due to supressing emotions.
I tapered down one of the meds (low-dose risperidone) and I am still on 10mg escitalopram SSRI med.
But things are getting clearer and clearer. And the issue is… I kind of..
dont feel womans body arousing anymore. But it was before in my childhood. I remember that first porn I was watching was lesbian. First images of naked woman I saw were definietly arousing – the thing is – i dont know if it was their body or just something "forbidden" – I dont know.
Men on the other hand – total "nope" until i was 22 years old. There were few gay fantasies one in a while (like 2 times a month) and thats it. But they were the "better" ones. Now I think about men 95% of the time when it comes to sex.
I wont make a elaboration about my experiences with porn and other stuff but its definietly just worth mentioning – I watched lot of porn. Started early in my teens. I've been watching it even few times a week when I was about 16.
Today.. I dont know who I am honestly. The only fantasies that "touch the core" are 95% gay. Its very rare with to go there with a woman today. I considered myself bi for a long time but today I honestly dont know.
Why am I writing this post? Everything seems at least a little gay right?
The issue is that sometimes there is "something" in me when i look on specific woman picture or see specific video. When I see a that one woman on the street. There are those moments when they are definietly not indifferent for me. Sometimes I just feel like I am burned out? Like my attraction to women burned out or something. I find sex with women kinda boring. Like I "dont mind it, it can be very fun" but for example doing it every day would be definietly boring after a week.
It just feels like sometimes I see a woman who is attractive for me by some kind and I feel like " I want to do things with her". But then I feel like I dont even know what to do. PIV sex is totally boring lately. Last time I even noticed that I DONT FEEL ANYTHING in vagina unless im moving hard inside (of course when condom is on, I dont have any possibilities to do it without condom).
Apart from above – I totally dont feel the "top energy" in me. Maybe its because of SSRI but my fantasies are just bottoming for men. This is where I feel fully "right". Its just "wrong" sometimes to imagine me being the top – no matter if its a man or a girl.
I also never really fell in love with a woman. I am kinda scared of them today after my relations experiences in early adolescence.
isnt being gay not finding girls attractive at all? Why am I having those little "glimpses" here and there? I am honestly tired of that because I would probably "switch" to gay long time ago but because of those little glimpses I keep "fighting" for sex with women. Because deep down I always wanted to experience it the best I can. Because they're beautiful. Because I love some parts of them but.. I just dont feel arousal anymore.
So confusing.
Is there anything I can do on the internet do dig in my "core"? Like some visual galeries or visual tests for orientation or something.
Do you have any tips for making internet as "porn-free" as possible? I see a lot of half-naked women just because I open instagram. Its everywhere today..
Hope that you're well and healthy. Have a nice day/evening !