So for the first time in my life I am dating a guy with ADHD for about a month now. A few things about his behaviour confuse me so much. I should add that I tend to have anxiety in dating people as I've had a lot of bad experiences. If anyone could help me clear the following points up a bit I'd be immensely thankful!
- After our first date (which went really well) he was suuuuper into me. He texted me all day, called me three times a week and made future plans. After our second date that kinda changed. He is to this day pretty consistent in sending voice memos about his day or reacting to stuff I tell him about, he just tends to initiate less than before. And he rarely asks me how i'm doing.
- Sometimes he just disappears. Last week he forgot to call me after he told me he'd call once he got home. When i asked him if he was okay the next morning he apologized and said a long phone call came in between and "he just forgot", but he'll call if I have time. Then we had the most amazing, fun, open, quirky phone call. I'm just confused as I'd never forget to call someone who's important to me.
He also had his friends over from another city this weekend and didn't answer my message for two days. Eventually he did, but sounded super exhausted and kinda stopped the convo there.
I guess what confuses me the most is the pace change that went from 100% to let's say 50%. I have made so many experiences of guys stringing me along for a while without telling me they're not interested. So I'm really scared he's doing it too now.
I'd love to hear your advice/pov!
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You got love bombed. I have ADHD and I forget to text back literally from the moment we start taking (not proud of it), not just when it works in my favor.
I’m sorry for Adhd ppl, but it really sucks to date them in general. You either have to be extremely patient or also have the same thing to work out really.
As a dude with ADHD, who probably dated a girl with ADHD recently (she alluded to the fact, but never made it 100% clear). She behaved similar to your guy and sometimes took days to answer, while being super into the conversation especially in the beginning, but also just randomly at times later on. Also since I have ADHD myself, I think I can give you some insight into this.
One of the main reasons why someone with ADHD doesn’t answer a text is because they don’t know how in the moment and then put it on to the todo list for later, which they then forget. This is especially more the case if the texts get longer, because then they will put reading the message on the to do list, which they then forget as well. Obviously I’m exaggerating a bit and some people have less issues with this than me or others, but this is like a classic scenario.
My best advice is that you should focus on trying to talk to him directly instead of texting, even better if you do some activities. They are some other fall traps when it comes to direct communication, but generally in my experience engaging in direct conversations is way less challenging, because it feels less like a “chore” for lack of a better term.
I will give you my thoughts as an ADHD guy, and one that also has experienced a lot of relationship anxiety.
Firstly, it’s good to consider your own anxiety. I have had an anxious attachment style most of my life and it often has me questioning if my romantic interest is actually interested in me or not. The problem is it’s not wrong to be questioning, but I’ve learned that you need to apply patience and science to it.
If you’re feeling anxious and you can’t figure out why, you should try to get introspective and really nail down where it’s coming from. It could be something your subconscious is trying to tell you, but it could also be your brain just overreacting.
If however there is something specific you’re concerned about, then you should absolutely talk to him about it. In this case it seems you’re concerned about him appearing to be putting less and less energy into the relationship, and that’s an entirely legitimate concern.
He may have entirely legitimate reasons, but you won’t be able to resolve it either way without communication.
From his point of view, he may have been hyperfocusing on you at first. And if he caught himself doing that and worried that he was being “too much” he may be trying to limit himself. If this was the case, communicating that you liked the frequent contact would be extremely attractive.
Similarly, addressing point 2, ADHD hyperfocus is a thing. If an idea crossed his mind and his brain latched onto it, he could genuinely have forgotten, as ADHD hyperfocus can be like a tunnel where everything else ceases to exist for hours at a time.
This isn’t an excuse, but it _is_ a very common component of ADHD, and if this is what happened it’s something he can work on. Knowing this about myself I set alarms and put sticky notes in inconvenient spots on my desk to compensate for how my brain works. But it’s taken me years of living with ADHD to work up to a point of being this self aware. 😏
Up to this point I’d say what you have is a pretty standard ADHD guy, who’s focus is drifting in and out in annoying, but fairly normal ways.
So far as your last two paragraphs, if he’s anything like me, it’s entirely possible that his social battery was just drained. Sometimes for neurodivergent peeps like myself, hanging out with friends can feel like being “on for the camera” the entire time, and it can be really draining.
The goal for me in a romantic relationship is to reach a point where I don’t feel the need to be “on for the camera” with my partner, and once I reach that point being with her can actually start to recharge my social batteries. However it takes a lot of time and trust to build up to that, to let all the walls down and let someone see how weird I really am.
So I would say you’re entirely justified to be concerned, but these behaviors do have plausible explanations through ADHD. So as always, my advice is to communicate! Talk to him, tell him your concerns. He may be just as concerned that you are becoming more distant. Or honestly he may be feeling he’s not the one for you. Either way, communication will provide clarity and reduce anxiety, even if it is kind of terrifying. 😏
I have not dated a guy with adhd but with autism and I can tell you a lot of things that I want in a relationship are not there. I am also an anxious person and the things he does, like disappear, not initiatiate convos, not plan dates, forgetting we even had a date set up, need his time for himself where he doesnt contact me…….really made me feel bad. and I know that all that is not going to change because that is the way he is. And that’s not my style, that’s not how I treat people and not how I want to be treated.
So this has just happened for a month now. think about this going on for a few more months. how you would feel about that. because I asked my guy and he said he was interested. but him saying it and not showing it are 2 completely different things.
If he has been diagnosed by a legitimate doctor with a legitimate case of ADD he’s not. I do and time is extraordinarily fluid and unpredictable and sometimes I do forget about things like what planet I’m on for 2 days, and definitely will forget any promised phone call if I don’t make a note.
I am heavily medicated and I still have trouble with things like that on the upside I love being alive I’m curious about everything and I’m extremely positive and resilient, and have a lot of insight into my own thoughts.
One common neurodivergent pattern is that gaps in relationships are perceived differently. Or, rather, from his point of view there may not be the emotional experience of there being a gap at all. Intellectually, he might be aware of it, but that only makes it worse because then it can potentially build up into a bigger and bigger issue, even when it didn’t need to be.
>I’d never forget to call someone who’s important to me
Speaking from experience, he would probably forget to call *himself* if he could somehow be in another place. This does not reflect on how he feels about you either way.
That doesn’t mean he won’t pull back, but nothing you’ve written here seems like evidence that he’s less interested in you. It is, unfortunately, also not a signal that he is interested, and what you’ll probably need to do to make the relationship work is to find ways that both of you can mutually communicate your ongoing interest. It may look different than what you experience with someone who is more neurotypical, but it is definitely possible to find something that works for both of you.