My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and we are planning to get engaged within the next 6 months. We started having conversations about our wedding about a year into our relationship and as things are getting closer, more discussions are occurring and we have come to a point of contention.
So when my boyfriend and I first met, we used to have drinks together, cocktails on dates, wine when relaxing at home, shots when out at a bar, you know, pretty normal stuff for people who drink. About a year into the relationship, my boyfriend decided he didn’t really want to drink much anymore, which I respected. He said he was happy for me to continue if I wanted to but I kinda reduced my drinking because it didn’t feel very nice drinking on my own. I would still get a drink every once in a while but only on occasion.
Recently, while having a conversation about our wedding, I brought up the fact that he’s reduced his drinking and asked if the wedding day would be an exception as I had a special bottle of champagne that I have been saving for just us on the day. Initially, he said he would have a glass or two with me as we were celebrating, but then later on that evening he changed his mind, He said he doesn’t want to drink at all anymore because it doesn’t align with his values…. Which was new to me. Initially, I was ok with it, but then I started questioning him because this is a value he never mentioned and his actions previously did not align with this. Don’t get me wrong, everyone is entitled to change and develop as a person, so that’s not the issue, the real issue is that he is saying that since he now doesn’t want to drink, he doesn’t want us serving alcohol at the wedding AT ALL. Not only that, he doesn’t want alcohol in his household.
For me, this is an issue because the way I have been brought up, alcohol is virtually engrained into celebrations and I definitely enjoy a good glass of wine to unwind at the weekend. I have a very healthy relationship with alcohol and so do the people around me. My upbringing also sets standards about how to host and serve my guests- but his upbringing is different. He is saying that this morals/ values issue, to not drink alcohol, is based on his upbringing and religion- Christianity and that he has had this value from day 1. I am also Christian but a different denomination as him (although my mum grew up in the same denomination he is) but I don’t have this as a value. Of course the bible has many passages about drunkenness and over consumption of alcohol and how it is wrong, but there are also so many about enjoying wine, drinking and being merry, and ultimately, JESUS TURNED WATER INTO WINE AT A WEDDING. So I am happy to drink in moderation but try to stay away from being completely intoxicated.
Anyway, I asked him if it was an issue where some of his guests have problems with alcohol and he said that isn’t the case. So I tried to discuss a compromise whereby his guests can be served only non-alcoholic beverages, while my guests can choose to have alcoholic beverages if they wish… but he said he isn’t willing to compromise, which is quite hurtful especially because I am being blindsided by this value in the first place and compromise is important in a marriage.
I have gotten to a point where I am questioning our relationship as a whole, there are other things he has blindsided me with that go against the standards that I have for myself and my relationships but individually each one seemed a bit too small to break up over. I feel like the fact he isn’t willing to compromise comes from a place of control- especially because this is the bride’s special day, shouldn’t making me happy be important to him?! There are other things he’s done that make me feel like he has controlling tendencies but once again, individually each occurrence can be explained away or is too minor to end a relationship over. Also our upbringings are quite wildly different so there’s likely to be a lot more things that crop up that can cause issues.
Like the fact that he can flip flop on something as fundamental as his values makes me feel like I don’t even know him anymore. Especially because at the start of the relationship, I made sure to discuss our value and learn as much as I could about him so, I thought I was making an informed decision to be with him, but I guess it not…. And it feels like this is the tip of the iceberg of incompatibility.
I don’t know. I just need opinions.
Edit:
Many of you have commented on the fact I said it’s the bride’s special day, I am new to this so didn’t think about how it would be received. To clarify, I absolutely don’t think it’s not a special day for him, it definitely is and I want him to enjoy the day as much as me. I mean that he should be willing to find a resolution so we can both be happy, especially because it’s an important day. Forgive me, this is literally my first post.
24 comments
I think this is a lot bigger than the wedding. This is how you’re going to live the rest of your life if you marry this man. No more drinking at home for you if you’re hosting or you just fancy a glass of wine. Do you love being with him more than getting to decide how to live your life?
I do think it is very concerning that you feel like he is trying to control your behavior. Unless he can speak to times where the consumption of alcohol was negatively affecting your relationship, he really doesn’t get a vote about what you do. Some churches really promote that the man is head of the house, and to them that means he can boss around his wife. I think you need to find out if he subscribes to that train of thought. Because it seems like you are starting to see more signs of controlling behavior as the wedding gets closer, is that correct? If he is also showing you signs of controlling behavior, I would highly suggest calling off the wedding. Some men really let the mask fall once they think they have your trapped, through marriage, children, financial dependence, etc. I unfortunately found that out the hard way. Be careful.
My personal opinion is that he shouldn’t get to dictate whether other people drink alcohol at your wedding or not, given it’s also your celebration and you’re happy for your friends and family to drink. If he doesn’t want to, that’s perfectly fine. But like you’ve pointed out, it’s more about this incident showing various other controlling factors. My advice would be to have a serious discussion about this topic (not just the alcohol but your feelings around him being controlling) before you get married as well as your upbringing and how this might impact your relationship. If you’ve got concerns about serious red flags, now’s the time to bring it up. All the best!
Stop viewing each episode of control as an isolated incident. Put them all together. Is your fiance controlling and becoming increasingly so the closer you get to the wedding? Big red flags if so. Make sure you don’t get pregnant any time soon. Watch his behaviour. Note the changes and the trends.
You know he hasn’t held this value since day 1. He used to drink. He’s told you no one going has an issue with alcohol. So there’s really no reason for everyone to have to abide by your fiancé’s values. He can still abide by them on his own.
How can he say that it’s been his value since Day 1 but he used to drink with you. And what does he think of you if you are still drinking? His unwillingness to compromise is also a red flag. Marriage is all about compromises and only the biggest issues should offer zero compromise (like having kids vs not having kids). This is a simple issue that could easily be compromised, but he refuses. What do you find appealing about him that would lead you to marry him?
As far as the whole relationship as a whole goes, I’m not the sure what the rest of the relationship looks like so I don’t want to speak on whether or not you should be with him. However, I think it’s completely unfair what he is doing – especially since he kind of blind sided you with this…. It’s like he completely changed his tune and especially over something like this (a seemingly bigger issue in this circumstance) but I will say being with someone who is controlling & feels the right to make decisions for you is a bigggg no no and red flag (as someone who’s been there) why should another human feel the right to make decisions for you and dictate how YOU want to live YOUR life. It’s your life at the end of the day , and you should be with someone who celebrates you and comprises with you…. It’s so refreshing when someone genuinely doesn’t want to push their values on you and is HAPPY to see you enjoy your life – no matter what that looks like (figuratively speaking). I’m sorry you’re going through this
So many cases where boyfriend waits until after the wedding to show their true colours, this is ringing all sorts of alarm bells for me.
Personally I would stick your heels in about the alcohol at the wedding (this is not really about the alcohol) but just to push whatever is going on right here into the light before it’s too late.
You need to know who you’re marrying, use this issue to find out.
This isn’t about the wedding at all. This is about the dynamic he is setting up. He can suddenly “change the rules” for your household (which means FOR YOU) whenever he wants, and will be unwilling to compromise. He’ll cry “Values!” so he doesn’t have to meet you half way. That’s not really healthy at all. Along with his changing story, I think he’s actually a lot more extreme than you think and he’s probably waiting until after you’r trapped to start setting up his “house rules.” BE CAREFUL.
If your partner has decided for himself that he wants to live in an alcohol free household with alcohol free celebrations and alcohol free partner, then you are not the right person for him. Full stop. There’s no making it work unless you also want that same thing. He can’t force it on you because it’s what HE wants. And if he’s had these values from “Day one” why did he wait to bring it up? TO TRAP YOU.
Just, no.
“I completely respect your views on this issue, but sadly this is the first time I’ve heard you express any of this. While I completely support you making these changes for yourself, I will not allow you to make them FOR ME. I am not going to agree to no alcohol at my family celebrations on in my home. This was not discussed with me, and you don’t get to decide for me. It scares me that you thought you could just issue a decree here. This is my life too, and I don’t want that. I don’t mind if you don’t drink, but I don’t want to be told what I can and can’t do in my own home. If this is a firm boundary for you, I think this makes us incompatible and we’re going to have to call off the wedding.”
Make no mistake, this is the kind of man who is going to come home and tell you that he’s decided [insert whatever thing he wants here] and that’s your new life now. This is, it IS the tip of the iceberg. This is your advance warning. He believes he is entitled to make all the decisions in your relationship, without your input, and that scares me.
I think this is about more than alcohol.
It‘s about him changing his values however and whenever he likes and expecting you to play to his rules. He is disguising control as boundaries and Making you feel bad for being uncomfortable with that.
It’s ultimately about incompatibility. You want someone who respects the choices you make for yourself and he wants a yay-sayer who is happy to let him decide the most important (if not all) things in your lives.
It doesn’t sound like this would be a happy marriage. But also it’s absolutely great that you learn all of this now and can decide if this is the life you want.
So he rewrites the truth, won’t have healthy discussions, thinks his decision should rule you both, and has a pattern of trying to exert authority over you?
Imagine marrying him and then never being able to have a glass of wine in your home again. Or, trying to and some giant argument breaks out. If he’s not a full blown alcoholic in recovery who needed to quit drinking or they would DIE (like my sister) then I find this extremely excessive. Casual drinker who just decided to stop because of his “values” yet is dictating whether or not you drink? This isn’t about the alcohol. It’s about control. I’d have more understanding if he was a legitimate alcoholic in recovery but this simply isn’t the case.
The alcohol seems a weird hill to die on, but you’re talking about multiple instances of multiple “small” things, plus a definite unwillingness to compromise.
If you sew a thousand tiny red pieces of cloth you end up with a whole red flag.
What is he going decide isn’t ok next?
You’ve heard of ‘Death by a thousand cuts’ as an expression. None of the individual cuts bleed fatally, but when you add them together, it’s all over for the recipient.
Since you’re not engaged yet, stop planning the wedding and start reviewing the data from your dating relationship.
If people planned their marriages with the same level of focus, passion, and attention they gave to the wedding event there would probably be fewer divorces!
Have you begun pre-marital counseling? Will your counselor be from your tradition, his, or a neutral/third background? This is a period where you’ll want to work out with each other how your new household will function, and which values are at its foundation. The data from your relationship show your bf expecting to be able to have his values determine yours, without discussion or input, and your spirituality, conviction, or insight doesn’t seem to matter.
Is that the kind of marriage you want?
If not, it doesn’t make any sense to practice being in it.
I wouldn’t accept those terms for a serious relationship, engagement, or marriage. Not just as a matter of respect, but also as a religious/spiritual issue. So I’m glad you’re acknowledging how serious this is. The road to marriage shouldn’t be a waterslide: you can get off the ride at any time before you say I do. It only gets harder and more costly, and not just in money, the longer you wait.
Use couples sessions to help you decide whether this is actually someone you are suitable for and want to be entwined with, to build a new life with.
What concerns me is that you elude to there being multiple things that he’s changed his mind about and unilaterally dictates that you too will embrace that change.
This dry wedding thing is just a symptom of a bigger problem. It’s his way or the highway, no room for compromise because “values” and “religion”. Seems like a slippery slope to me.
How is that going to play out in the future? He decides it’s against his values and religion for you to work? To vaccinate kids? To “let” you drive? For you to see friends without him? For you to eat certain foods? Wear certain clothes?
I’m saying end this right this minute but I think it warrants a serious convo about your concerns with this domineering and controlling behavior attributed to his evolving values. If you can’t have autonomy due to changes in his views, this isn’t a good fit.
Hey listen . I’m a man so I’m going to give you perspective from the other side.
This is bad.
It doesn’t even matter what the disagreement is over . It’s very concerning that your fiancé feels that he can make a life-altering decision abruptly, decide that there’s no room to compromise, and then expect that you will just go along with no conversation whatsoever. This is really unhealthy.
Why do his opinions, values or beliefs matter so much ? Bigger question, why don’t yours matter at all?
Today it’s over alcohol at the wedding. Tomorrow it’s going to be about how you raise your children , what you’re allowed to wear, how to deal with issues regarding your family.
I just got out of a toxic relationship and I learned the hard way it takes awhile for someone’s true self to come all of the way out .
I would sit him down and have a conversation with him about why he believes he gets to make a decision like that for you and listen very carefully to his answers because this is your life .
Talk now about children. How many, how you’ll raise them, if you’ll do homeschool or public school, if you’re expected to stay home or will work, etc etc
Talk now about chores. Who will do what? What is each of your contributions, if not monetary then what? Who is going to be in charge of making meals, cleaning up meals, doing laundry, mowing the lawn, taking out trash?
Talk now about finances. Who is going to pay what? How will finances be combined, or kept separate? How will you handle purchases, either small or large, solo or together.
This will tell you a lot. You can see if he’s controlling, if he’s changed his tune on certain things YOU might believe are already squared away, etc.
Don’t get pregnant, whatever you do.
From what little we have here, it definitely sounds much bigger than the wedding and sounds a lot like control.
To the point where I can see him shutting down booze in every capacity and you’re not allowed to have any either or have it in the house because it makes him “uncomfortable” but in a few months he’ll walk through the house drinking a beer and you ask what the hell and he’ll say “it’s not a big deal, I wanted a beer, why are you overreacting?” yet you will still not be allowed to have it.
100% absolutely about control.
I am more concerned about what other pseudo-Christian values he’s going to attempt to push on you as a way to force you into one of these second class citizen wife scenarios.
There’s much more going on behind the scenes with him than just wanting not to drink
To be in a long term relationship, there needs to be the ability to compromise. You are saying something is important to you. And he is saying he gets to decide. This is what the rest of your relationship will be like.
Don’t marry someone who is in the middle of a shift in the religious beliefs away from your own.
this is giving mask slipping / control testing leading up to locking you in
He has the right to have a dry wedding and you have a right to call it off.
Break up with him if y’all don’t share values, but honestly, I don’t like being around alcohol and I would be pretty pressed if my partner insisted on it for our wedding.
I don’t see where you get off calling him controlling for not compromising… but you’re not controlling? Make it make sense. You want to drink at your wedding, which is fine and a reasonable expectation if that’s important to you… but don’t marry this man.