I’m a 25-year-old male. I’ve had a number of issues with both my physical and mental health over the last 11+ years. During that time, I rejected girls mainly due to perfectionism, shame, anxiety, low self-esteem, high standards, and other issues. For the last five years, I also had a physical health problem that prevented me from forming relationships. I had some casual experiences during those years, but they were few and short-lived because life always got in the way for both parties. I’ve done therapy, dealt with my physical issue, and now it seems that the time has come.
I don’t have a social life, as I spent most of my time at home or pursuing hobbies. I am a loner. I feel that I wasted my dating and sexual life over these years, and in combination with inevitable biological decline, it makes the whole pursuit feel unworthy. Part of me wants it, but another part can’t forget what it could have been if I had been a bit luckier and had taken all the opportunities for dating and intimacy over the years. Socializing is hard now, but doable. Dating is also hard, but doable.
I am relatively fit, athletic, 6’1”, and of decent looks (I had offers for runway modeling over the last five years but refused for various reasons). I wouldn’t say I am exceptionally good-looking, but I’m decent — nice enough for modeling, though not what I would call a beautiful man. I enjoy philosophy, technology, adventure sports, politics, and, in general, analyzing things and seeking the truth.
My libido is at its highest, but I feel the clock is ticking now and that I’m on the second half. The loss of those years has taken my drive away. I am functional in all other domains, but not in my personal life. I know that time can’t come back and that now is the “best” moment to act, but honestly, this doesn’t help. For me, the wasted years are one of the biggest losses in something I value most. I feel like I failed. I don’t want to live in a hurry. It’s like it’s over for me in this domain, as if it was never meant to be. Life simply had different plans.
Therapist told me to focus on my values and start dating(ACT). And it kinda works emotionally but deep down I know that the loss is traumatizing.
16 comments
I understand you. It is not just about wanting intimacy now. You are grieving the years you feel you lost. The truth is, you’re in good shape, young enough to build a new chapter, and you’ve already done the hard work of sorting your health and mind out.
The people you’ll meet now will be meeting the version of you that’s wiser, more self-aware, and less likely to waste chances. You can’t rewrite the past, but you can make sure the next 5 years don’t leave you with the same regret.
I’m so confused. Reading this without knowing your age and gender, I would think you’re much older, and possibly a woman who wants kids and is concerned about her fertility.
Your feelings are valid, but I think you need to allow yourself to have some perspective. Your brain is not even done developing. Nothing is lost.
EVERY experience you had, including experiencing other things than romantic or sexual relationships, is valuable. For instance, that experiences taught you the value of connection. You should cherish that lesson, not regret how you learned it.
Don’t hold on to regret: learn what you can, then focus on getting to where you want to be. Social skills can be learned (just get out there, with meetups and dates).
How to make relationships work can be learned. Here are 3 books to get you started: Attached, Secure Love, and Come as You Are.
You got this!
I agree dating is hard but doable, it’s been a tricky road for me as I don’t have all the “expectations” that most (cis) guys have. All I can say is that things will happen unexpectedly, and you may be surprised once you meet someone that turns your life around in a good way. Naturally there will be some losses, but it can account for ways of learning from them and attribute to finding what you’re looking for in a person. You may be 25, don’t worry about time, feel and enjoy the now, and someone will definitely just come in, be open to whatever comes your way for sure. I’ve noticed that once I removed myself from dating apps, and just let things be for a while. I hope this is useful at most for a positive outlook? I really do hope so.
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I think you’re not in a good headspace now. You’re twenty five and write like you’re in a midlife crisis. You haven’t wasted anything. Focus on enjoying life and don’t think years you’ve spent single are wasted.
It’s good that you have a therapist. I understand regrets about missed opportunities can sting, but the more you beat yourself up about it the worse it gets, so keep your head up high and focus on the things you can control.
What do you mean biological decline???
You have wasted and lost nothing, OP. You are not in decline. You have all the time in the world.
You don’t have to “date.” Just find a group that likes doing the same things you do. You like adventure sports? If there’s not one in your area, join a hiking or outdoors club. Volunteer with an org that teaches kids about tech.
These are just examples but how you make relationships is hanging with people you have things in common with. Don’t see those groups as a dating thing, just get out and socialize. Things will fall into place.
I’m 22F and feel the exact same way. This literally sounds like smth I would write lol. Everyone says I’m being dramatic when I say I’m “wasting my prime” and on one hand, I totally get what they’re saying, but it’s so hard not to get worried about it, especially when those telling me not to stress are in relationships or having fun. I just feel very isolated and hopeless at times.
I’m 5’11, athletic and have been told many times I should model (lol) but people have a very hard time understanding how I dont have more dating experience, and trying to explain it to people is exhausting.
But we are young, and things always change whether we like it or not. So hopefully they change in a good way soon.
I think you might still be feeling some depression and this is keeping you stuck too much on dwelling on the past. You aren’t even quite in your prime yet as far as what factors women look for in relationship material which is usually late 20s early 30s so you are right on target to find a wonderful fulfilling relationship. You don’t have anything to worry about as far as time line. The early 20s are for figuring out relationships and fine tuning how to make things work. That was not wasted time it has molded you and has become part of you but it also involved growth and has made you much more knowledgeable and aware. If you have ppl that settled down early all around you, you may feel more like this but you really do have time and don’t need to feel rushed! I spent so much time dating guys that weren’t available emotionally to be in relationships and always held on for hope way too long and I was around 28 when I started to just feel if it happens it happens but I didn’t really have the drive to push for anything and that’s actually when I met someone who was meant for me. Things flow more naturally when you feel relaxed and accept current circumstances and can live in the moment. It’s never healthy to focus too much on the past or too much on the future it robs you of today! Grieve the past but try to not let it mess with the present. Take the lessons learned and move forward. I can’t help but think maybe alot of your friends or family or ppl you know got married or attached in long term relationships early on. This doesn’t necessarily mean that these relationships will last. Sometimes ppl get attached too early and they still need to go through alot of growth on their own and they find out in their forties or so that they maybe they should have given themselves more time for individual growth. Some relationships the very healthiest ones may allow for individual growth but this can also drive a wedge and potentially cause problems too. Anyway it could still be some depression that is holding you back so let go of this feeling of losing out in your teens /early 20s!!! You lost nothing these were needed years of growth! I am thinking the ACT you are referring to is acceptance and commitment therapy?
It sounds like you have done the important part about seeing a therapist and working on yourself. It’s time to get out there and enjoy life.
Lol you’re 25. Stop thinking about your quarter life crisis and go live your best life. Seriously dude. Hit the gym, buy yourself some nice clothes, get a haircut and find a hobby. Want a fun little hobby that you can take up that is like no other when it comes to meeting and attracting women? Take cooking classes. I’m not even kidding.
Another thing. Find a martial arts gym and go train. Do hard stuff. Your confidence will grow and you’ll meet male friends and you won’t be a loner anymore. The more you do for yourself the more you’ll attract someone compatible.
You can’t get back lost time. Get out and enjoy your life.
man you’re only 25, you didn’t miss the boat. most people are still fumbling through hookups and half-baked relationships at that age. yeah you lost some time, but you also worked on yourself, which means you’re way more ready now than you would’ve been at 18. think of it as starting with better gear instead of being late to the game
I’m going to say this in a gentler way than some other comments – I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you have SO MUCH TIME ahead of you! Life is long. I was divorced at 25 and am still single at 30. But here is the deal: you have to want to do the work on yourself. This is where a lot of people draw the line in the sand. Please, do the work so you don’t hurt yourself and hurt other people.
Therapy will help you tools and give you clarity of what you want. I highly recommend fitness or getting into a gym for helping your mental state, as well as your confidence.
Finding friends – there’s all sorts of ways to meet people these days. Sports leagues, church groups, bumble bff, meetup apps. Try them out!
You are not behind. The world is yours, go out there, figure out what you want, and go get it!
Bro, you’re a guy. Your clock literally has more time than women. Chill and find positives in your life. The grass is always greener. There is someone out there that probably wishes they were not in the decade long relationship, only to find out their partner has been cheating on them and they wasted their good years on a bad partner. It’s all relative. Especially among 8 billion humans living vastly different and similar lifestyles.
My man, you are ONLY 25!! I bet most of the people reading this are far, far older. They will not sympathize.
Get the perspective correct-your brain just stopped growing at 25. You are at your prime and will be for at least another 10 years. Go ahead and mourn but all of that just set you up for success in the future.
If anything I found my libido declining as I got older a blessing. 35m btw.
My mind isn’t going to sex all the time.