I want to cuddle again. I want to give head scratches and massages again. I want to play video games together late into the night even though we both have to get up for work in the morning. And yet I’ll be excited to get up every morning because we always talk on the phone during your drive to work.
I want to make up silly parody songs on the spot and sing them together again. I want to sit by a fire together talking about everything from politics to plot holes together with our friends.
I want to be with someone who I love in the deepest most true sense of the word again. And this time, I want her to love me back. Not just care deeply for me, but be just as wildly and excitedly infatuated with me as I am with her.
I had someone like this. I know without any doubt that she cared deeply for me, still cares deeply for me. And I know without any doubt that she didn’t love me romantically. And I know that I truly loved and love her. I know because while she could never feel the same way about me as I did about her for the six months we dated, she did find someone who did make her feel that way. And while I had hoped I would, I was still a bit surprised to realize I was genuinely happy for her.
But after that I knew there really was no winning her back. I wasn’t her person, she had found her person, and she was finally finding the happiness she couldn’t find with me. So my person is still out there, somewhere. At least I hope she is.
It takes so long for me to find someone to go on a date with, nevermind start an actual relationship. It's been months already and I don’t know if I can take waiting another six months or more trying to find such a good match again. People like that are special and rare. But I also don’t want something temporary. I don’t want something fake. I want to find my person, my partner, my soulmate, my wife.
I know all the right advice. Hell, I've given that advice. I know dating these days is a marathon not a sprint. I keep repeating that wisdom to others because I need to keep constantly repeating it in my own head.
I’m working out. I’m dieting. I’m keep working on myself to be who _I_ want to be. I’m hanging out with friends. I’m trying to help and support the people around me.
But damn am I lonely.
I keep putting in the effort. I’m almost certainly putting in _too much_ effort. I’m on three different dating apps, and reddit, and trying to get out there in person, visiting book stores, going to free concerts, I’m even going to try going to a karaoke bar tonight.
But for all the energy I’m putting in I’m getting nothing back out. I'm not even getting to text conversations, never mind actual dates.
I’m a designer and engineer by trade. And I’m ADHD so add hyperfocus to that. I have always solved problems in my life by designing a solution then throwing myself at them until they are resolved. And that’s worked out well for me most of the time. Except here.
Because the work I put in is all wasted if a second player never joins the game.