I [26M] have been seeing this woman [26F] for about a month and a half now and have gone on 5+ dates with her. She lives with her parents but is independent in every other aspect of her life, yet whenever we go out she insists on going home strictly before the sun goes down. She's told me her parents would worry about her and I don't mind doing dates earlier in the day to align with her schedule (though it does make dinner dates hard), but tbh it feels sort of weird how she's a couple years from 30 yet is still forced to come home at certain times. Her family is chinese and she's 1st gen American, if that matters.
I guess this question could also extend to men too.
19 comments
Does she turn into an ogre you think?
Not normal. Move on unless you want to deal with the headache.
I would politely excuse myself. That culture is not going to be fun.
It’s sounds very cultural thing. That’s a difficult situation on both sides.
If you’re not a fan of it, I would say move on because it’s not normal. You’ve been on a lot of dates though, so I could understand not wanting to just drop her. Talk to her about it and see if you can make any leeway.
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My family is an immigrant family. I live alone now, but when I date I have a curfew for myself. I try to go to bed around 10pm, so I won’t stay out on dates past 8pm, especially if I’m not in an Exclusive and committed relationship.
If I lived at home I would respect my family’s house rules. She may be traditional and if you want to date her you may need to figure out how her family dynamics and culture would play into you dating her.
I would definitely talk to her first – see what she thinks about the situation. If she strongly agrees with her parents and thinks it’s the right thing to do, that would be weird then the conversation needs to go further. I have some Asian friends who still lived at home as grown adults (tbh I’ve always found that weird in itself) but they had a lot more freedom providing they were respectful. It’s whether you can handle that level of conservatism.
She could just be setting an expectation that she’s not going to go home/be out super late with you. Just ask her about it, maybe she just wants to get to know you better first. “Parents will worry” is an easy excuse
Sounds kinda like me lol. I still live with my parents but I drive myself, own my own car, have a job, pay rent to my parents, etc. but when I was first dating my now boyfriend, I’d tell him I wanted to go home before 9pm 😂 mainly because I have to wake up super early for work so I need to sleep. He’d understand and usually setup our dates for Saturdays so I could stay out later or stay over at his until Sunday afternoon.
I think it’s definitely a cultural thing with the parents. Even as adults, our parents worry for us. Staying out late probably isn’t something she usually does. It’s also more dangerous to drive at night so that might be a factor of why she’d want to go home before sunset.
Oh yea I’m Chinese and lived with my parents in my 20s. My mom would start calling me nonstop past 10pm. It’s very much a cultural thing.
Her parents are vampires.
Their house, their rules. Plus it definitely sounds like a cultural thing.
My ex-gf was from a family like that, but her parents were from S. America. She was a 25 year old college graduate, and had to be home by 10pm because her dad thinks “only prostitutes are out past 10pm”. Her dad is a scum bag, for multiple reasons.
One way we got around it was if she told her parents she was out with her friends or staying at their place. As long as she was out with other women it was okay. So she would lie about who she was with and she could stay out as long as she wanted. You could try that.
I think this is sweet. If you want to be a part of this family and have kids of your own with this girl, think about yourself as the father of her kids. What will it look like when your 25 year old perfect daughter is living with you and trying to date boys.
I am 36F and generally go to sleep at 9, because I keep animals who are early risers. They took over my lifestyle, and I like it. When I’m seeing someone new, I tell them I have a 9 o’clock bedtime and find it to be a red flag if they want me to break it. I will break it if I feel like it. The people I date like that I keep animals and run two businesses from home, but when it gets in the way of their ideas, it’s not cool to them anymore. Someone who wants me to change my lifestyle when I’m perfectly happy, is a red flag.
Your situation is obviously different.
I would talk to her about her lifestyle goals after moving out of her parents. If dating you is a stepping stone for her to get to more freedom, then I see that as a great opportunity for you both to grow and find more happiness with each other. If you want to date this girl with these boundaries, you just gotta go with the flow.
After a while of dating, try to take her on a vacation to get the feel of what it would be like to not have a cerfew.
Fun side story, the last guy I was seeing was making a big deal one day about getting me home. Saying he wish I was staying out with him and his friends, but also making it a thing that I was about to leave. So I said, yeah I can stay out with you. Let’s go. He got silent, awkward, & all of a sudden the exciting next location was not an option. I don’t know what he was planning to go do, and I don’t care. I broke it off with him. He had a meltdown, but still couldn’t fill in the holes in his story. This was not a pre planned diabolical thing, it’s literally what I felt in the moment, I red the signals and did what I felt was correct. No regrets
I would never be ok with this situation and would have been out right away. But, you obviously have been somewhat ok with it and like her enough to deal with it so far. You just have to decide if this kind of control is what you want for your future with her, because they will always have a say in your relationship.
I literally cannot believe you are saying SUNSET, which could be anywhere from 5 p.m. to 9 p.m. depending on the time of year. I was out later than that at age 15.
I’ve never had a curfew and I still live my mom. Sounds like a major culture difference
She’s a princess. This has Disney and evil step mothers written all over it.
Just spoke with my first gen American lab mate. Her mom is Korean & Dad is Chinese. She says not cultural. Said she’s been dating her boyfriend since they were 19 & no curfews that were out of the ordinary. Her & her boyfriend also sleep in the same bed at her parent’s house.