Personal Background
My wife and I are in our late 20s (it’s hitting me that I’m getting older haha!), living in the USA. We’re high school sweethearts and married, though we didn’t prioritize marriage early on, so we haven’t been married as long as you might expect. We welcomed our first baby within the last year, a chill and perfect baby (I’m biased, of course!). I’m the primary provider, running my own business unrelated to my bachelor’s degree, and I’m considering further education. Financially, we’re doing well—not rich, but comfortable. I own investment properties, am always exploring new business or investment opportunities to secure our future, and contribute to a college fund for our baby. My wife is a stay-at-home mom. She stopped working a couple of years ago to pursue school, which didn’t happen. I supported her decision, as I can provide for both of us without issue. Living the American dream I suppose.
Family and Lifestyle
We live in a fully remodeled home, and I’ve paid off both her car and mine. I’m considering getting her a larger car for our growing family. My wife doesn’t worry about bills—everything is covered. I know being a SAHM is a full-time job, and I respect that. She pumps for the baby once every 6 hours, and I help as much as possible so she can manage that. I work from home often, handling business calls or side hustles to increase our income, but I’m out of the house 3-5 days a week, usually leaving between 7 AM and 10 AM and returning by 3-5 PM. Some days are longer (8-10 PM), but that’s rare—maybe 1-2 times a month. My wife and baby often come along when I’m out, as I don’t want her stuck at home. We visit family weekly, attend church on Sundays, and spend time with family afterward. We also try to go out as a family once a month to places like the zoo or aquarium.
My Contributions at Home
I’m deeply involved at home. I help with the baby—handling all night feedings, changing diapers often, preparing for bathing, and dressing them. I wash baby bottles, do laundry (though folding often gets delayed), wash dishes daily, wipe countertops daily, sweep 3-4 times a week, and mop weekly. I feed our dogs and cat, take out the trash, and handle garbage duties. We grocery shop together, use delivery services for large items, and I pay for lawn mowing and occasional car detailing (every 2-3 months, as she doesn’t drive much). I’m considering hiring a weekly cleaner because I dislike clutter and a dirty house, and I often make the bed myself, assuming she’s too busy. I cook breakfast 3-4 days a week and dinner 5-8 days a month; otherwise, we order food for convenience. I show my wife affection through words of affirmation, weekly flowers, random gifts from the store, and playful gestures to let her know I’m thinking of her. She has full access to our money without a budget, as she’s responsible with it. I pay all bills between the 1st and 5th of each month, ensuring everything is taken care of.
The Issue: Lack of Intimacy
My main concern is our lack of sexual intimacy. I’ve always been more sexual and would happily be intimate multiple times a week, or even daily, if she wanted. I’m careful not to pressure her or make her uncomfortable. However, we’ve had sex only once in the last 8 months—14 days ago, which I initiated and felt like a rare moment, possibly because she realized how long it had been. Before that, it was 3 months before the baby was born, and the first time postpartum was this last time, about 5 months after birth. There’s no physical intimacy otherwise—no touching, no hand stuff, nothing. She often says she’s “really tired,” “exhausted,” has a headache or sore throat, or mentions that I have to be up early (which isn’t an issue). I respect her boundaries, like not expecting oral sex, which she hasn’t refused but hasn’t initiated since we were younger. The complete lack of intimacy is hard. I do show affection outside of sexual stuff. Hand holding, hugging, for head kisses etc.
I’m fit and would rate myself a 7/10 in appearance. I’ve never struggled with attention from women, even now, though I don’t act on it and have been faithful our entire relationship. I compliment her, tell her she looks good (she changes in front of me normally), make sexual jokes to hint at my interest, and have clearly communicated that I’d love more intimacy—even once every two weeks or once a month would be enough. Nothing changes. Masturbation (1-2 times every two weeks) is my only outlet, but it leaves me feeling guilty and unfulfilled. I rarely watch porn (1-2 times a month) and don’t like to, but sometimes feel driven to it out of necessity. I’m a man with urges, and going 1-2 months without anything is tough.
Emotional Struggles and Fears
I feel unappreciated despite doing a lot. I don’t do it for praise; I want to make my wife’s life easier because I love her. She’s an amazing mother, which deepens my love for her, but I’m struggling. I’ve considered reducing my efforts (e.g., less affection or help) to express my frustration, but when I’ve done less in the past, she’s said, “I don’t feel as loved,” “You haven’t hugged or kissed me as much,” or “You stopped kissing me goodbye, I feel unwanted.” I want to clearly express my concerns but fear she’ll react defensively or make me feel like the bad guy. I know I’m not perfect and could improve in many ways, I’m sure, but I’m at a loss.
I’ve had fleeting thoughts about seeking a “woman’s touch” elsewhere, like at a massage parlor, or even exploring outside the relationship. These are just thoughts—I’d never act on them because I love my wife too much and could never leave her. But I’m worried my willpower might weaken if this continues. I wonder if this is just normal for a long-term relationship with a new baby. If this is how life is, I’ll accept it—it is what it is.
I know I’m not perfect, and even though I do a lot, I’m sure there’s more I could do. I try my best to make life easy for my wife because I love her, not because I expect sexual acts in return. But honestly, if she weren’t an amazing mother, I’m not sure what else would keep me with her at this point. I’m the provider and handle nearly all household tasks. She doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean, and I even have to make the bed when I get home from work. I’ve asked her to make the bed after waking up, but she doesn’t. I like a clean house—it makes me feel good—but she doesn’t seem to share that priority.
I do everything because I love her, but wouldn’t you think she could at least try to be a bit more active or even tease me a little? She brings out all the baby’s toys, and I’m the one putting them away. Our baby is chill, rarely crying unless hungry, and we stay on top of his feeding schedule to prevent that. She’s supposedly been organizing the baby’s room since he was born, but nothing gets done unless I step in and say, “Let’s do this.” I don’t mind helping—if I can do it with her, great—but where’s the appreciation in return? I’ve told her I need just a little more effort from her, but it feels like my words fall on deaf ears.
Questions
• What can I do to improve our intimacy?
• Is this lack of intimacy normal after so long together and with a new baby?
• What have others done in similar situations?
• If this is just how relationships evolve, how do I cope?
• What would you do in my shoes?
TL;DR
I’m a late-20s husband, high school sweetheart to my SAHM wife, and new dad. I run a successful business, handle most household chores, pay all bills, and am very involved with our baby. Despite my efforts, our sex life is nearly nonexistent (once in 8 months), and my wife doesn’t cook, clean, or show appreciation, even after I’ve asked for more effort. I feel unappreciated but fear addressing it will make me the “bad guy.” I’ve had thoughts of seeking intimacy elsewhere but remain faithful and love my wife deeply. Is this normal for a long-term relationship with a baby? How can I improve our intimacy and her effort, or do I accept this as reality? Seeking advice on what to do.