One month ago, I (23M) read my gf’s (24F) journal and it shook me beyond anything I’ve expected. First off, id like to start with the fact that she knows I’ve read it as we talked about it the same day. I am well aware of how I’ve breached her privacy and violated our relationship’s boundaries as it is one of the most important factors in our relationship, I’ve validated how my action had affected my partner . Our relationship had reached an all time peak when I read her journal, I am aware of how much she loves bc normally she would’ve left, I am aware of her love for me. In order to accommodate to the new boundaries she’s set (not bring up the journal, her past or comparing our rs) until she feels safe and I’ve decided to respect it. I’ll be seeing a therapist and journal as well but this is something I feel the need to talk to about in order to gain more clarity regarding this.
To start, I met my girlfriend on Tinder 2 years ago. She has had 14 partners that she’s met and had sex with while I’ve had 1 before her. She’s journaled how she gained validation from these men and it was the source of her confidence before and even when we met. She broke it off with a situationship in order to focus on us once we got official. 2 years later as we thrive together on this beautiful relationship we’ve both worked so hard to create, I ended up finding out that my girlfriend was triggered when she saw the ex situationship in her nearby pharmacy and journaled how she felt about him then and now.
She wrote a description about him that ruined my ego because I didn’t think my girlfriend would think this way about anyone else but me like she told me. She talked about how back then she would’ve loved to be with him, how she wished he had the balls to make it official with her, how she thinks maybe he wanted something more when she ended things to focus on us (he wrote: ok text me when its over”) and that a part of her is still sad it didn’t work out. She mentions how much fun they had with their sneaky links and the car sex, she also mentioned that she was also glad that it didn’t work out because she got to be with the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with. I was barely mentioned but I was, I felt like there was such a strong and intimate moment between her and him while I was sitting in the sidelines reading my girlfriend’s true feelings.
She told me she’s moved on right after she was done journaling, she says that she never thought about him until she saw him in the pharmacy. I am trying to believe her but she told me her kept looking at her in the pharmacy when he really wasn’t so I’m having trouble trusting her words, I trust her but I don’t because her words never seem to make sense to me neither, I’m still giving her the benefit of the doubt and I’m trying to see it her way. I know for sure that she loves me but I worry that she may still have a strong emotional tie to her past. Maybe its bc I didn’t have as many partners but I find intimacy more than just an act, its sacred to me and deep so reading her thoughts about intimacy with another man felt like betrayal. I do believe that I deserve to know these things but I also believe that I should be told once she’s ready which she wasn’t planning to do. The whole issue was conflicting because one side feels that their privacy and deepest, darkest side of theirs had been exposed while another was trying to process reading how his girlfriend was sad it didn’t work out with another man.
I’ve used chatgpt and more to learn and attempt to understand it however i just can’t seem to wrap my mind around it. I’m not sure if it’s bc of my own past trauma but I’ve grown to be rejected as a boy until I met my ex for 4 years who then left me for another guy a week later. I’m worried she may still be emotional tied to her past or the pharmacy guy specifically, she’s still uncomfortable talking about him more than any other men she’s mentioned before, even before I read the journal.
Our relationship started off so well but we worked extra hard to understand each other, we’ve communicated no matter how hard the issue was. I love her so much, I don’t see a life with her and I absolutely want to create a space safe enough for the both of us, I am well aware of my mistake and its definitely not something I’ll ever be doing again. Would anyone have any sort of similar experience, guy or girl who either felt something for a past partner or that’s in my position?
TL;DR: My gf journaled about an ex situationship and it seemed intimate, how can I trust that she truly released those feelings after journaling and how can I believe she does not have any emotional tie to her past?