I (28 F) need advice. Our wedding is in 2 days. We have been together for 9 years. Last night, my fiancé (28 M) confessed that he has been lying to me about several things. The pinnacle of the mess is that we now do not have our wedding bands ready. Here are the facts and some context:
He is forgetful and a bit disorganized, which is okay, as I am very type A and we balance each other out. I have accepted that he isn’t type A.
He chose a profession that pretty much ties him to one country in Europe, while I come from a different European country. We agreed it would be wise to keep our options open, as it might be necessary for us (or at least me) to live elsewhere in the future, for example, because of my family.
To make this possible, he was working on obtaining an extra certificate which, together with his degree, would allow him to work in my home country as well. He signed up for this course about 2 years ago and made slow progress. I found this a bit annoying, but I understood—he was studying and then working full time alongside the course. The certification costs in the €1,000–2,000 range.
Yesterday, he confessed that he found out about 6 months ago he couldn’t extend the deadline for the course as much as he thought, and actually needed to finish within about 4 more months. He decided not to tell me at the time, hoping he could finish anyway, fearing my disapproval. He spiraled into thinking that if he told me he’d messed it up, I’d break up with him and call off the wedding.
Months went by, life got in the way, and he indeed didn’t finish the course on time. This became clear around 1.5 months ago. Throughout all this, he thought I’d likely break up with him if I knew, and this fear led him to basically sabotage our wedding preparations and invent more and more lies.
Fast forward to about 2.5 months ago, when we chose—and I thought we ordered—our wedding rings. He told me he had ordered them and was picking them up. I asked repeatedly; he explained there were various issues that kept pushing back the pick-up date.
Meanwhile, in the last 2 weeks, he was also supposed to take his suit to the dry cleaner’s and rent a car for us for the wedding day. He assured me he had done both and even gave me details, which I’ve now found out were lies. He did not order the rings, didn’t take his suit anywhere (he hid it at home), and didn’t book the car.
Yesterday morning, we agreed he’d pick up the rings and his suit. He told me this 24 hours ago. In the evening, after work, I asked how it went. He said there were issues again: the rings would be ready in a day, and the first dry cleaner was sick so he brought the suit elsewhere.
Just before going to sleep, he confessed he had only ordered the rings yesterday, and only then took care of the suit and car.
He explained that he had been lying to me because he was afraid of my disapproval and thought I’d end the relationship. His fear prevented him from taking care of these wedding tasks, and he deliberately didn’t order the rings sooner as a way to force himself to come clean about the course, because he knew the truth would eventually come out and he couldn’t wait that long. Well, now it has, and I don’t know what to do. I am absolutely shocked. He admits he’s lied to me about some smaller, fairly insignificant things, bu still—the trust is extremely strained.
If this had come to light 2 months ago, I wouldn’t have called off the wedding, but I would have sent him straight to a therapist. He doesn’t have any diagnosed mental illness, but honestly, I now wonder if there’s something going on that we’re not aware of. This overwhelming fear of disapproval clearly ties back to some childhood trauma. The only way I can explain this is that he is not in a good mental state right now and did things he can’t entirely logically explain himself.
In 2 days, I’m supposed to promise “in health and in sickness.” I’m inclined to see this castle of lies as a symptom of a kind of “sickness.” Other than the type-A vs. disorganized dynamic, we are compatible and have a wonderful relationship. I love him. But my trust in him is shattered right now. What should I do?