My 29yo daughter was 8 months pregnant when her fiancé, whom had mental health issues, passed away after he went out partying with friends. He used a gun & nobody found him until hours later in his grandmother’s yard. When my daughter found out she was obviously hysterical & in shock. He left her no note & they had argued about him going to this party while she was so pregnant.

Btw, she lives with her father who has 4th stage cancer as a caregiver to him. We are on excellent terms & consider each other to be family.

My daughter went into labor the following Monday after her fiancé’s funeral & the baby, although small, was healthy enough to go home after 1 week. Now, as her mom, I feel like she needs me & my husband has threatened to divorce me if I go stay the night there. He said to ask anyone & they would see how ridiculous that would be.

Can someone tell me if he’s being a total D?
Thanks for reading my dilemma.


31 comments

  2. He’s definitely being a complete arse. Your daughter needs support now probably more than any other time, and if she is turning to you for support (ie wants you there), then you are who she is turning for that support. I know I’d be wanting my mum. Your husband sounds unhinged and very insecure.

  4. Jealousy, most likely. He’s a total dick. Go be with your daughter, she needs you.

  5. I don’t know how “I’m staying with my grieving daughter helping with her newborn” translates to “I’m going over there to try and sleep with my ex husband” 

    Your current husband is a moron. 

    Yes I would be over there supporting my daughter. 

  6. I would go and support your daughter, during her time of grieving. She didn’t ask to be in this situation, let him divorce you the trash is taking itself out.

  7. I’m so sorry that happened! Your daughter right now needs the most support as she is both grieving and has to take care of her child and sick father. She is in no mindset to do all of that. Can your husband come to a compromise? Is there something underlining going on? And is there anyone close with her that might help?

  9. If supporting your grieving daughter and newborn is “ridiculous,” I’d hate to see what he considers love.

  10. Wow. Your husband seems to be running for Narcissist of the Year.

    Ignore him and just go. If he says one word about divorce contact an attorney from her place. Can you imagine going to court & watching him claim you abandoned him to care for your recently traumatized daughter? The judge would not see that as a reason,just his excuse.

    Go be with your daughter.

    Call his bluff.

  12. What a complete and total selfish d!ck. I would go stay at my daughter’s for good. She is going to need you for a long time, and your husband has zero empathy and is beyond horrible.

  13. Not that it matters because he’s being unreasonable no matter what, but why exactly is this such a divorce worthy offense to him? Is he incapable of microwaving himself dinner in consideration of a serious family event? Most of your post explains why you were needed and very little about what’s going on with your husband? It’s not normal and it’s not right. You are indeed needed by your daughter now, what could be so wrong with helping her?!

  14. He’s a WHOLE BAG OF D’s!!!! I’m guessing this is not the first time he’s thrown a red flag out there?
    Don’t let him trick you into thinking that you’re unreasonable. You know your daughter needs you, and she’ll need you now more than ever because she’s a single mom.
    I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t even begin to imagine what your daughter is going through.

  16. Is your husband human? Does he have empathy or basic care for others? I’m surprised you didn’t go over to be with your daughter sooner.
    You need to seriously think why you’re with someone who sees it as so unreasonable for you to go over and help her.

    Unless there’s something missing from this story, he really sounds like an unreasonable person! Is he really so demanding that you can’t be apart from him for a short while to care for someone in need and distress?

  18. Uhm are you fucking kidding me? Women contemplate S postpartum without such a horrific and tragic incident happening right before giving birth. Is your husband okay in the head?

    If it were my husband and I in this situation with our son, we would without hesitation offer to temporarily move in with our son and baby. Your husband obviously has absolutely no clue what it takes to care for an infant and isn’t contemplating anything at all about the postpartum period. Or having any humanity whatsoever.

    If there is ANY time in life to heavily lean on family and friends, it is *now.* Do whatever your daughter needs. Your husband might not always be your husband, but your daughter will always be your daughter.

  19. Wow, your husband is a dick. I wouldn’t give him a chance to divorce me. I’d file first.

  20. I think I’ve read some of your daughter’s Reddit posts. Holy shit. What a horrible situation to be in. I hope you can get away and be with her and the baby during their time of need. I’m sorry for your loss.

  21. Go stay with your baby girl! She needs you now more than ever before. Eff your so called hubby!

  23. I would never and will never allow any man or woman to come between me and my children. My husband, the father of my babies, knows this and would never put this on me. The fact that your husband isn’t the father of your daughter is worse to me because he’s getting in between you being there to support your child. It’s not his place to say if you can or cannot go visit your child, and giving you the ultimatum of divorce if you go; that would be the end of any marriage for me.

  24. Oof. That statement would make me divorce him. Ain’t no way a man would keep me from visiting and caring for my baby during her time of need.

  29. Response: “In that case, your love is extremely weak, and I can’t trust you to protect our relationship. How dare you threaten me. That’s a destruction of trust.” Go to your daughter.

  30. Dude people go to stay with their sons or daughters after having a baby all the time- not just when its an INSANE CRISIS like your daughter is having, but just to help with postpartum! My BIL (my sister’s husband) had surgery and my mom, my dad, and his mom went out there to help over the course of the month and stayed for weeks. After I had my kids, my mom and dad were over all the time- they didn’t stay with me because they only live 25 minutes away. My aunts fly out to help their daughters, my husband’s best friends parents flew to another country.

    Basically, it’s normal, but your daughter needs it so much more than anyone else!! She’s in a caretaker role to 2 people, while she’s healing from birth and a stressful hospital stay, and in such an awful emotional state that really, she should be the one being taken care of. What mother who loves their daughter wouldn’t be there??? Frankly I’d be grossed out if I found out any of my acquaintances stayed home in that situation unless they absolutely had to.

    I love my husband, desperately, we have no marital issues, but I would throw him out of the house immediately if he tried to get me to stay home with him for no reason while my daughter suffered. I’d assume he was ill with a brain injury or tumor or something because it’s such an insane thing to suggest. Seriously, its divorce worthy on its own.

  31. From a devil’s advocate position, I assume the concern is that your ex will be in the same house?

    I don’t think it’s a reasonable concern and I think his ultimatum is ridiculous, but if this is unusual behaviour for him why don’t you try having a calm conversation and address his concerns.

    If his behaviour is often like this then maybe it’s time to consider moving on.

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