My husband (male, 60) and I (female, 50) have been together for 5 years, married for 2. Most recently my husband crossed my boundaries around disclosing my medical situation to his best friend.
I was diagnosed last week with a tear in my carotid artery, which had been causing headaches and also problems with memory and focus. I was so relieved to find out what was causing all of my symptoms but I'm scared, worried whether I'll have a full recovery, and feel really vulnerable. Everyone around us has known about my headaches but not the cognitive difficulties. I confided in my sister-in-law who I'm close to, but was clear to my husband that I want to otherwise keep a close hold on this with his friends/family.
Yesterday my husband said that his best friend checked in about me, and I said "that's sweet, what did you tell him?" To which my husband replied that he had told him about my cognitive problems. I flew off the handle. I yelled (not great in my condition) and cursed at him ("I told you how I felt! I told you I didn't want you saying anything. This is my struggle and I get to say who I share it with." Etc.) We haven't spoken since last night.
Overall, I think I do a pretty good job of clearly expressing my boundaries (what's ok and what's not ok) and consistently reminding him when they're crossed. That said, I know I handled myself very poorly and need to apologize which I will. Part of my anger also lies in the fact that my husband was fairly dismissive of my headaches and brain fog the past two months that I've suffered. He was certain it was dehydration and tried to talk me out of going to the ER. I know my husband doesn't intentionally mean to hurt me but I feel hurt, angry, and disrespected. To give him some credit, he has been a great caretaker since my diagnosis.
Any perspectives and advance on how to get him to understand that while certain things might not be or seem important to him, they are important to me and I need him to treat it as such.
TL:DR: My husband disclosed my health struggles to his friend after I was very clear to him that I didn't want it shared with others. Seeking advice on how to approach him about my boundaries.
12 comments
Next time you talk, apologize for yelling. Promise to work on keeping your temper in check, even when things are upsetting.
Then you need to tell him outright that he has broken your trust, and that will take time to repair. You drew a line and you expected him to hold it as your partner. He failed. He can explain his reasoning, but there IS no reasoning good enough to share sensitive medical information without permission.
If he truly thought he needed to, he should have come to you and said “hey, I really need to talk to someone about my side of this. I need a vent, too, so I want to tell Y about this.” If he’d done that, you wouldn’t have been quite so angry. You still would have been disappointed probably, but you would have at least known this was happening. If you agree, tell him that too. Offer that as an alternate path he could have taken here.
As much as he has crossed your boundary on this and should apologise, what allowance have you given for him to seek support. As your partner he is also going through this, experiencing your side effects and feeling fears. Who/what is his support system if you deny him the ability to speak with someone else like you have with your sister in law?
He was in the wrong.
And there needs to be space in a marriage to recongize that chronic and frightening medical situations are not yours alone.
He is also carrying a burden of stress and fear, and it’s one he can’t necessarily look to you to help him with. He also may need support from his friends. Like, a best friend. Who cares enough for him, and by extension you, to ask. Frankly, I think it’s a green flag that these men have that kind of friendship at all. Too many men don’t.
While, agian, *I think he was wrong to violate a clearly stated boundary*, I also think you need to take a deep breath and consider what support *he might need,* with the experiences *that are his own,* not just your medical reality, but the reality of his marriage and his day-to-day life. Caretaking is hard work. He is also carrying stress and fear and confusion. He may value the support and understanding of *his own friends*. That might be important for him.
I’ll be utterly honest, this is a personal bias: My ex forbid me from discussing his medical issues with anyone except his anxious, overbearing mother who hated me. He was in and out of the hospital 12 times, nearly died twice, and I couldn’t even call my own mom because I was so afraid he would rage at me if I told her anything. I was a full-time caregiver for nearly two years, and I needed my own people. His “boundaries” and demands for absolute privacy isolated me completely from the people who loved me. I couldn’t talk to anyone about what I was going through, because anything I said about my own experences, was treated as a betrayal of him.
Perhaps you could approach this with language and suggestions of what you are comfortable with him sharing with others — things like “She’s got a diagnosis, but there are still a lot of symptoms/wait and see.” Especially others that he is close with. Remember being married means you have a shared life, and there is a balance between what of the story is yours, and what of it is ours. Help him to see what parts you want defined as just yours, by speaking to him about what parts are ours, and his own to share about his own experiences.
I am sure this is stressful on both of you. Perhaps he should have gone to a therapist but seriously, can you not even fathom that perhaps he needed support to deal with his own feelings and concern for you? Reaching out to a close friend for support sounds somewhat reasonable – to me at least. I understand you feel your privacy was violated however I am sure he is going through a lot as well with his concern for your health.
Did he apologize and give a reason why he told his friend?
It could be that he needs to have someone to confide in about what’s going on in HIS life. Your health will affect him. Blathering to family is what you didn’t want. But him telling his friend might be more about him and less about you.
Having a loved one with a serious health condition can be scary, stressful, exhausting, etc. The loved ones/caretakers also need support.
Perhaps he could have told you he was needing support and to talk about things and asked you who among his support network you would be comfortable with him sharing to. But if you gave him a blanket ban on talking to anyone, I don’t think that’s entirely fair
He shouldn’t have disclosed without your knowledge… But it also sounds like you didn’t really give him anyone who he could talk to about this. Likely needs to be able to discuss it too. Unless he has a therapist, who else would he talk to but his best friend? I can understand why you didn’t want the information shared, but I can also understand where he must be coming from.
This isn’t a boundary. This is a rule that you made for your husband. A boundary has to do with what you will do to take care of yourself. A rule is about controlling others. What are you going to do about this? Are you going to leave him?
I’m trying to understand what about this needed to be private. It’s not unusual for people to share the struggles that their family members are going through. It’s a tear in your carotid artery, not like you had to go to the ER because you got something stuck up your butt.
Why did you not what people to know? Are you worried about judgement with respect to your mental faculties because of your age?
It sounds like it’s more about how you felt about him not taking it seriously before the diagnosis and the sharing information in spite of your direction was just bringing that all back up.
Go to couples’ therapy if you can. I’d be mad af if my partner dismissed my symptoms when I live in your own body. Bad him. That being said, it’s scary to have a partner with serious health issues, and people need trusted outlets. I don’t think that it’s fair to ask a partner to hold this on their own, even though I get why you are saying this? You ahve a right to your medical privacy and also he has a need/right to meaningful support, because caretaking is hard. Therapy, OP.
First, I am so sorry you’re going through these health issues. It must be absolutely terrifying! I really hope everything works out for you!
I have a couple of questions for the main issue (because they lack of care regarding your symptoms is a separate one to address): When setting the boundary, did you any idea what you would *do* if it was crossed? And what was the reasoning you set the boundary? I can see you protecting your image, how people think of you, with this boundary. Otherwise, what are the consequence(s) to be if someone you didn’t choose is let in on the struggles you both, to varying degrees, are experiencing?
You both need people to talk to/lean on about this outside of each other. That is healthy, especially if you (both) have an existing wider support system! If it’s not a best friend or family, then I hope either of you allow it be a professional. At that point, intense health struggles is prime individual *and* couple counseling territory.
Blessed be to you all <3
That would hurt a lot especially when you’ve been so clear about what you need. It’s not about whether he thinks it’s a big deal, it’s about respecting your comfort and control over your own health story. I hope when things calm down, you can explain that trust isn’t just about not lying it’s also about honoring the boundaries you set, even if he doesn’t fully understand them
Women share absolutely everything, *everything* with their girl friends