I’ve been on 100 first dates or something like that. After a while you lose count. Probably have been on way more first dates than the average dork unfortunately…
I think most people would’ve found a relationship by now, but what I’m realizing is that I’m way too picky. I know what my league is. I know it’s a fellow average looking person with an average dead-end job and average hobbies. I feel I’ve been subconsciously aware of that for a while but for some delusional reason I feel I deserve better.
So I chased after better, occasionally scoring dates with attractive people with great prospects and jobs (engineers, future doctors etc). I’d dreaming about the life I’d have and how’d I lift myself out of mediocrity . I’d have a partner I’d love to have hot sex with and spend a ton of time around. Though predictably those men would never stay around. They’d realize I was putting out and leave lol.
So now, I’m wondering how to just accept my league. Accept my average appearance generally average vibe and move forward. How can I make myself attracted to the people I once dismissed ? Should I even bother or do I kind of deserve to stay by myself after being a shallow tool? Help 😭
25 comments
You’re 23. You’re young. You have time.
Make yourself better.
Be the person that the person you want to date wants to date. It really is that simple.
You have time to explore and see what you like. I’d advise finding someone who is there for you emotionally and is of good character. Also do not depend on anyone to “lift you out of mediocrity” because if they leave you where will you end up? Far better for you to lift yourself up however possible.
Serial dating like this is a big red flag. At this point, you’re just dating just to date. Relax. And maybe…Unconsciously, you probably appear desperate to these men. Work on yourself.
You need to see a therapist. You are probably the problem.
I agree with the other commenters. But I also know it’s easy to sit here and tell you how to be instead of how to approach. And the approach is to just change one thing per week. And keep that change every week going forward.
Don’t accept doing only mediocre things, by your own standard. Do one thing a week that you really love. Add one exercise one week. Add one meaningful self time one week.
Pretty soon, you’re in a different place. All you did was use the discipline you already had. And you don’t really care what they think. You care what you think and you’re projecting it on anyone who notices you. So pretty soon, your life is both more interesting and you think better of yourself.
I think you go on too many dates, sis
You can work on yourself. Level up and attract better men.
My concern is chasing 1% dates due to their potential status symbol careers when she offers nothing herself, as she said they are average herself and is hoping just her existing is enough to be picked…well that is my impression of the post. That is an orange flag. But I get the appeal at that age to secure your future and to figure out where you stand.
You may need to reevaluate your standards, or, upskill yourself to be on their level. This could be career, looks, social presence (ideally all of the above).
You are 23. Find something you love to do and just throw yourself into it and grow. There is honestly no rush, and you might be surprised with the ‘mediocre’ that you come across. Also, early 20s men don’t know much about themselves either, so it will be a journey for both of you. And there is nothing wrong with taking a little extra time to learn about yourself.
I just wanted to say that it’s completely okay to have high standards it shows you respect yourself and what you want in a relationship. Sometimes, it takes a bit of time to find the right balance between being realistic and staying true to your values.
Remember, everyone’s journey is different, and there’s no set timeline for finding someone who truly fits. Don’t be too hard on yourself being thoughtful about what you want is a strength, not a weakness. Keep believing in yourself, and the right person will come along when the time is right.
Sending you lots of good vibes and encouragement!
you are dating for looks, status and security, which is fine.
the problem will arrise when you end up not liking his personality or vice versa. don’t you want an actual intimate relationship with another human being?
Sounds like you’re looking for someone to save you… when you could drag yourself out of mediocrity yourself.
Why not just better yourself? Is it your fault you wish for more? If you strive for greater, then you should step up to the plate. Being average is okay. But not trying to do anything about what sounds like dissatisfaction with yourself? THAT is not okay.
I am the same age as you… we have time. I’m going back to college soon after failing my goal… I have time and so do you.
Oh my gosh. This is insane. Why not stop worrying about Mediocre and worry about not finding a decent person. That’s what u should worry about. You’re very likely mediocre yourself. Stop over inflating your self importance. You can tell that you’re conceited and I’m willing to bet, insufferable and fake. This post made me cringe
For the love of God don’t “lower your standards” and be a miserable partner to whoever the guy is you pick. Maybe re-evaluate what you see as “my league” and think of how you can connect and grow with a person
I like to think that people who easily get bored by others are really just bored of themselves. And there’s nothing wrong with mediocrity… just learn how to live in the moment.
You’re in the right direction with what you said about those “higher quality” men being less likely to stick around… in reality, most of those people are actually way lower quality than your “average” man.
If you have concerns surrounding mediocrity, then why don’t you get out of it on your own *before* looking for a partner?
It would save you from having to deal with this juxtaposition between what you’re looking for and what you are. You can’t safely rely on someone else to bring you out of whatever hole you think you’re in. Going forwards, use your current lifestyle or income as a guage for potential partners. Rather than dating up or down, date in tandem.
I don’t play with the idea of “leagues”, but I *do* want to be able to respect and look up to my partner in regards to skills or traits that my not be my personal strengths. A relationship is supposed to be a partnership where both parties can rely on each other.
My girl at 23 you should not be looking or caring this much about your man, but rather thriving and loving *yourself.*
Same advice goes to you right now as the guys say we give all the guys on Reddit: focus on working on yourself before focusing so much on finding a partner.
When I was thinking about life it never occurred to me to have someone “lift me up from mediocrity”. Instead what I did is do it myself. I became that doctor you’re talking about. And guess what? We don’t date people that heavily rely on us for everything. You might be more of a liability than an asset for those people you chose so it’s simple. Make yourself a person that they would like to date. That means not just appearance, but having all that other shit together. If you’re an equal you get a voice. Otherwise you’ll end up a housewife punching bag if you choose badly and people pretend in the beginning…it’s possible.
Hey, this isn’t to be offensive
But if I was a guy reading this post, you’d be the last person I’d want to date.
> “I know what my league is. I know it’s a fellow average looking person with an average dead-end job and average hobbies. I feel I’ve been subconsciously aware of that for a while but for some delusional reason I feel I deserve better.”
What guy would read this & think positively about it? What does it say about you?
How do you think a guy would feel if he found out you were dating him because you lowered your standard while thinking he’s in your league as mediocre at best? That sounds to me like you’re prioritizing the wrong things
Work to be someone worth dating. Not the other way around. I’m sure it’d be pretty sucky to hear the guy you’re with say he settled for you because you couldn’t get anything better
At the end of the day, the common denominator is you
You could also work on improving yourself. Jesus, you’re just 23, why settle for a life of mediocrity *for yourself*? Start working towards a life that would be amazing whether you find a partner or not.
A thought experiment:
What about you makes your ideal person want you? How do you know you’re not mediocre to them?
Never settle. It will hurt both you – you will not get what you truly want, and your partner – nobody wants to be the guy she settles for anyways.
I think your biggest issue is how you have made everything about yourself the pursuit of a partner. if you don’t have anything else interesting about you (hobbies, passion projects etc), then you’re going to have to look exceptionally attractive. And even then, you’d probably attract people you didn’t want to.
The lack of more depth than “I want a boyfriend” is the biggest issue here. Your life needs more substance to attract (and sustain) a partner.
What a refreshing post! The fact that you have the self-realization at only 23 to own up to your faults is admirable. I feel like 99% of the dating problems people have boil down to everything you described. It’s especially annoying because almost everyone posts here with some sob story, wanting to play the victim, and wondering why they get treated like crap repeatedly, when really, the root of the issue boils down to them being shallow jerks who select dates outside of their league. When you select your dates for superficial characteristics, why act surprised when they lack character and screw you over?
How have you been on 100 first dates and you’re only 23? Tf?