For some background context I am the main person who cooks in my house. I mainly cook for myself because I am very particular and eat really healthy, my mom rarely ever cooks so many nights I will offer her food because she’s my mom, but there are many times where I meal prep for the week because I’m in grad school and need to feed myself.
Many times I make healthy sweet treats for myself as well and she will go in the fridge and eat things without asking. Usually I will ask her if she ate said food, and then say like hey I would appreciate if you would ask before eating my stuff like I made that for myself it is upsetting. It has really reached a point where I am sick and tired of going to grab things and either my mom or my brother (23M) has eaten it without asking. ( she also treats my brother the complete opposite of me) As soon as I try and talk to my mom about these things she throws everything she does in my face.
For example today I asked her if she ate one of my brownies and she said she was having a sugar craving, I told her that she is not entitled to everything I make and that I told her she could have one and emphasized ONLY one. She continues say “It’s expensive for the protein powder and creatine, and i don’t ask you for money. I went to (pet sitting client) for you and didn’t ask for money. I’ve bought cat food several times when you were away. I think eating a brownie shouldn’t be a big deal” which I think is completely transactional dismissive and wrong and so I said that and she comes back saying “All relationships are transactional. you do for each other without expecting something in return, But people should do stuff in return” but then she is basically saying she is doing all this stuff without asking for anything in return but then completely expecting stuff in return.
And when I say she was acting entitled she tells me that I’m an entitled child who expects her to do everything for me, mind you I do all my own cooking (for myself and her), laundry, dishes, cleaning, she pays my phone bill, feeds the cats, and cleans the litter boxes and her own chores the way I do. I don’t want to transactionalize it myself but it’s just context, I certainly don’t expect her to do ANYTHING for me knowing she acts this way whenever I need a favor.
I really don’t know how to deal with her because I can’t move out yet, I’m starting my second masters in the fall and every time I start school and become more busy she gets way worse and tries making my life harder when I’m already busy as it is. I’m getting my masters to become a therapist and no matter how hard I try to talk to her in a healthy productive way she just pushes me to react (I know I’m responsible for my reactions) I just don’t know how to get through to her that not everything that is mine is just automatically for her too.
But I guess the bigger issue is that she is very invalidating and selfish about everything this is just one situation. One moment we are friends and doing fine and talking, the next she does something and I have to tell her it upsets me and she turns every situation around on me, makes it transactional, and then says something hurtful and usually not true. Does anyone have any advice or similar experience with a parent?
Edit: most of the time I buy my own groceries, she helps me sometimes when I tell her I’ll make her food or if she asks me to get things she wants.
TL:DR, my mom is very transactional and acts entitled to everything I cook or make and whenever I have an issue with anything she does she acts like a toddler that didn’t get her way
7 comments
You can get small lockboxes that go in the fridge, but I think you’re just going to have to accept she WILL eat anything not locked up.
that’s a tough spot, hope u find a way to keep ur peace
Is she buying the ingredients for you? Or do you buy it?
A possible compromise could be if she is indeed buying all the food then you make extra, put some thats just for you in a container and label it, and leave out whatever you’ve allocated for the rest of your family in another container. Because yes whilst you’ve cooked it for yourself, if your mum is the one buying it all then it seems unfair that you can’t share it with her.
If they’re still eating your labeled foods without asking, then I’d probably invest in a small personal fridge you can keep in your room or smth. Or a lockbox you can place in the fridge.
This sounds so frustrating. I think you’re doing everything you can do from an emotional standpoint. Your mother sounds like an immature adult. If I were you I’d try one more time with labels as suggested above and if/when that doesn’t work prioritize making things you know your mom & brother don’t like. Or hide things like brownies/sweet treats that freeze well in the freezer inside of vegetable bags or something like that. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to bother either of them to upset you/take advantage of you so you might be farther ahead to best them at their own game.
>I just don’t know how to get through to her that not everything that is mine is just automatically for her too.
You keep assuming that this is a communication problem. That if you can just find the proper combination of words and gestures, she will experience some revelation, understand that she was wrong, and change her behavior.
**This is not a communication problem.** Stop trying to reason with her over this. You’re wasting your breath and frustrating yourself.
As far as protecting your food goes, you’re going to have to find some new solutions that don’t depend on your mother abiding by your requests. Store your food elsewhere; limit how much you make at any given time; etc.
As far as your mother’s selfishness goes, there’s really nothing you can do to change it. Better to internalize the fact that she is selfish and build that into your expectations. In other words, assume she will choose the selfish path in any decision. *Plan* for it. Plan how you will prevent her selfishness from hurting you.
To be brutally honest here, from what you’ve written your actions definitely feel a bit entitled to me. Even in your own list where you are trying to downplay the things she does for you, you list random chores plus your phone bill. I’m going to bet you aren’t paying market rent for your room either or you wouldn’t be living with her.
I suspect the underlying problem here is that she feels like you don’t go out of your way to do anything to show that you appreciate her care and support of you, the things of value that she gets from you seem to be mostly things you were already going to do for yourself and even then it seems like you are only including her begrudgingly. This probably lays dormant in her thoughts in various interactions and it doesn’t take much for these feelings to bubble up. She also doesn’t seem like a particularly good communicator. At the core of it, she probably thinks that you should *want* to show her these kindnesses and it hurts her to think that you don’t care to do so.
My advice to you: Go a bit out of your way to make her feel appreciated by you. Make her a special container of food, make her an order of brownies, write her a card, tell her in words, buy her some little treat or trinket she likes. Be just a bit more openly generous and gracious with her. You don’t even have to do this much, just enough to keep it in her memory and I guarantee that all of your interactions will start to get much easier and not so laden with mines. Conversations about specific meal-pre foods that you are budgeting out for the week will be a lot easier and more likely to be respected as well.
Its more like she is indirectly forcing you to move out. Its for the best, don’t meal prep if someone is going to eat.