I feel like I hear this a lot, and I'm tired of it because it's always the same thing hit the gym, make more money, get a better job, and other things. Like some point improving yourself backfires on you?
Honestly, I feel like 90 percent of other people in the world rarely improve themselves and still date and have sex. So, what's wrong with your current self, and why do you make it seem that I'm the problem with dating when someone rejects me, ghosted, or stood me up?
Why is there this feeling that I'm not good enough and not the other person?
Also, the goal of improving yourself never finishes because it's indefinite, it never ends no matter how much time you put in? Like, am I trying to be perfect before I date or just good enough, but what is good enough when you always have that feeling that you're not enough?
For me, I have lost 30 pounds and am working towards getting my driver license and other things, but I still feel like I'm not enough?
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In the action of improving yourself there will be women who take notice and approach.
The rest is obvious.
Because we think we are in control of our chances but a lot of it is either a little but of lucky timing or things like dating app algorithms. It’s good to improve yourself but at a certain point, there are diminishing returns and the real improvements in chances are either luck or owned by dating app providers who want your money.
That’s the only thing you can do? Improve yourself. You are free not to. That’s why this is an advice. Everything else you can’t really control.
I’ve come to realize that, at the end of the day, I’d rather build a life I genuinely enjoy than sit around feeling frustrated about dating. I’m much happier now that I focus on doing what I love, instead of letting dating linger as some weird pressure in the back of my mind.
When people say “improve yourself,” what they really mean is: *focus on what you truly want*. Be honest with yourself why do you want to date? Once you have a clear answer, the path forward becomes much easier.
Personally, I’m looking for a woman I naturally connect with someone I have real chemistry with. But I’ve stopped playing the dating game. Instead, I just live my life and do the things that bring me joy. Because honestly, what’s the point if you’re not enjoying the journey?
And I know its cliche but its the truth.
Despite your current dating situation to be going good or bad you should always look to improve yourself. Don’t let success in dating stop you from self improvement and vise versa.
Because that’s the only thing you have control on and can change. You can’t control if someone reject you, ghost you or stood you up, you can only control what you do with your own self. If you don’t like the improve yourself advice the alternative is live your life to the fullest and if you find love on the way it’s a bonus 🙂
I think the important thing is not to improve yourself but to improve your life. Not in order to be more attractive but in order to have a better life. To have more confidence about yourself.
Is it possible that this about making more money and getting a better job is more like an American thing? Here in Europe to me it feels that the advice is more that you should do more things you enjoy. And I think that is a very good advice.
I had exactly the same mentality from March 2024 to May 2025. I did everything I could to be active in the dating game. Tried OLD (won’t do that again), talking to women in clubs and bars, asking friends of friends if they knew anyone single, even tried befriending women in the hope they’d see me as a potential date. While at the same time carrying extra weight, drinking every weekend, following a s**t diet and b*tching about “women” as a concept rather than individual people.
Then I faced myself and stopped. I came away from everything. Up at 5am every morning. Exercise every day (gym, running on rest days), clean eating, drinking only while out socially, stopped messaging women, even stopped talking to women in clubs, stopped validating women on social media, stopped looking for validation myself. Now I’m 30lbs lighter, more muscular, I genuinely smile and I’m happy. On Saturday morning went on my first date in 2 years and really enjoyed it. Will anything come of it? Not sure, but if it doesn’t it won’t stop me from enjoying being me again.
Trust yourself. Trust life. It WILL happen. Just be patient my friend. If you give the world your better self for YOU then the aura you give off will attract people and connection.
Improving can make you feel better about yourself but it can never make you feel better about something you can change. I was fit but when I was studying, i feel like shit seeing tall people around me dating hot girl. Life is really unfair, you just can’t do anything right with given shitty card.
I probably wouldn’t take dating advice off Reddit as gospel haha
> Why do men only advice in the dating world is always just improve yourself?
Broadly speaking men are solution-based thinking creatures. In life, not justy dating, if anyone wants to improve outcomes, they need to improve their skills. As simple as that.
Contrary to popular beliefs, crystals, essential oils, spells, prayers, and wises don’t work.
So, improving one’s attractiveness, personality, mindset, social skills and skills in general leads to better outcomes in the dating world.
> For me, I have lost 30 pounds and am working towards getting my driver license and other things, but I still feel like I’m not enough?
Probably that’s not enough. Sorry.
> the goal of improving yourself never finishes because it’s indefinite, it never ends no matter how much time you put in
You said it. This is wisdom as old as time. Unfortunately, yes. You’re in for a lifetime of self improvement. This doesn’t necessarily entitle you to fulfilling romance or sex, but you’re not going to get those without it.
Honestly, the dating market isn’t suitable for a stable long term relationship.
You’re better off focusing on yourself and just having some fun when it comes along.
It is good advice.
But you are right: it is insufficient.
The missing part from mainstream dating advice is around how to initiate new connections with people who you’ve never met.
Thats is where cold-approach skills come in.
Cold approach skills are the social skills you need to get the first 30 seconds of conversation, then the first two minutes, then the first 30 minutes.
After that comes the tactical and emotional skills around getting the date and generating chemistry on the date if the potential is there.
These are specific skillsets and they can be learned.
There are some books, online and irl courses and teachers, of varying qualities.
Building your mind, body and character is absolutely necessary. And also insufficient. Its like having a good car in the garage but never having the keys.
The reverse is true as well: dating skills are much easier and much more effective when you have worked on building your mind, body and character.
Ignore anyone who tells gives you the message that its all outside of your control: its not.
If you are willing to learn amd have the courage to get outside of your comfort zone, then you have the potential to take actions that will transform your dating life.
We can change ourselves in a short amount of time, we can’t society.
Currently for it’s the social skills aspect im working on, in addition to losing weight.
I tell women all the time to improve themselves or take the initiative, not just men. Some listen, most don’t
I can say that it’s probably not all you. People get caught up in their lives. For example I’ve been single a long time and I also have 2 kids and a business. Sometimes by the end of the day my cup is empty and the last thing I want to do is get myself ready to impress, be on my A game and go out. It’s so much easier to come home, put on pjs and binge watch a show with air fryer chicken nuggets and fries. If I make plans with someone I do pull through with them or at least let them know but there have been a few times I did not talk to someone anymore because they gave me the creeps and my intuition set in.
I think the core message behind “improve yourself” is that you shouldn’t be focused on pleasing others. The goal is to enjoy the dating process and build your self-worth from within, rather than depending on external validation.
You’re right—self-improvement is indefinite. A key part of that journey is letting go of the feeling of inadequacy just because someone rejects you. Everyone, including women, has their own preferences. Think of it this way: you wouldn’t want someone to choose you out of pity or because you were their last option, either.
Coming from a woman, work specifically on emotional intelligence.
The idea of “improving oneself” makes dating seem like a job.
Because 9 times out of 10, it works.
“Work on yourself” is complete BS. There’s plenty of insecure people, people with anxiety and depression (who refuse to seek treatment), overweight people, broke people, co-dependent people, etc who are in relationships.
It’s pretty much gaslighting at this point. There’s plenty of people in relationships that still need to work on themselves.
You can maximize yourself all you want but ultimately there’s things that DO come to play that you cannot change that affect dating prospects and outcomes. Race (black women have it the hardest), height (shorter people and men have it harder), age, and luck.
People especially ones always in a relationship do NOT know how to give advice to single ppl. The end
Also I see that you’re a man. As a man, yall can make dating easier for yourselves regardless of how you look and your personality by 2 things. Making a lot of money, and putting on muscle (not just losing weight but gaining muscle). You mentioned getting a drivers license?? I was 16 when I got mine, so wondering how old you are? Depending on your age, women don’t want someone who has nothing going on for themselves, so you need to either pick up a trade like electrician (guarenteed $90-100k job), or go to school and do something attainable but noble like nursing and go from there.